It's the Most Wonderful Time of Year!

I love this time of year. I love the warm feeling of being home, the laughs my family and Matt has together, the smell of winter, the brisk air in the mornings, the sun shining so bright during the day, drinking coffee all day long because it's cold outside, the smells of winter candles (which I'm burning right now). I just love how everyone is in such a good mood and happy. I feel like people get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life and they never stop to think about the things that matter most: family, friends, loved ones, and just spending time together. I will never forget the saying from an old man, "You won't look back and regret not working as much, you'll look back and regret not spending enough time with your loved ones." < That is so true. I feel like I don't get to spend enough time with my dad especially. He works so much. He is always going down to the plant, even on Christmas he went down there. Not for long, but he went. I feel like it's a chore to him to spend time with me. He always has an excuse to why he can't be with me. On Monday we had to BEG him to come eat lunch with Christina and Mom and me. He finally decided he "could" come. It's just like the biggest challenge to get him to talk about anything but work. He doesn't ever want to talk at night. He wants to eat, then watch tv. He always says we will talk about things later in the morning, "over coffee" which never happens. I'm going to regret not being able to talk to him one day. I regret it now. I wish he had more time for me. I ask him about things all the time and he just says he can't talk about it right now or he doesn't want to get into it. It makes me sad. It really does. He is so emotionally absent from my life. He never asks about anything. He seems so mad every night when he comes home. He doesn't ever want to joke around or anything. Idk, I guess there's not much I can do at this point in life. Bottom line..I miss my dad!

My Christmas wasn't to great this year. I was looking so forward to these three boxes that had been under the tree for quite some time. Of course I opened them first because I'd be so anxious and puzzled at what it could be? I seriously could not figure it out. I opened the first box and they were curtains for my room. I was happy because they matched my bedding that I got this summer for my birthday. I was glad, I'd asked for them. Then I opened the second box, and it was MORE curtains for my room. Why my mom felt like I needed like 6 boxes of curtains (with two panels in each box) I don't know. I was alittle disappointed with that because I didn't need all those curtains. I needed two boxes of curtains, four panels would suit me just fine. So, excited about what the other box could have been, I opened it up...valances for the curtains...there were three boxes of those. I seriously don't know WHAT my mom was thinking when she ordered all this stuff. It totalled out to be $800.00 worth of curtains and valances. That was basically my present because I'd already gotten suits and dress clothes for my job..so I was kind of disappointed Christmas day she wasted so much money. I'm going to take them back. I kept two boxes of curtains and that was it. I don't want anything extra fancy and all...I just wanted curtains to match my bedding. I was very disappointed on Christmas. I'd really and truly thought I was getting a car. My dad had been hinting and joking with me about it for awhile. I'd sent him pictures and links all year long of cars I like and what I'd want. My mom even got the hint and talked to my dad, but he said they have to "talk later" about it. So on Christmas I asked if I could have the title to my car. I wanted the car in my name so I could then go trade it in for something I wanted. I'd seriously been thinking and thinking about this for 2 years. Its honestly ALL I've wanted [except a ring from matt ;-)] but I seriously was going to go and trade my car in this week. I want a new car SO bad. My dad got all defensive though saying I couldn't afford a car and car insurance and I should be patient. He said him and my mom wanted to help me out on a down payment but they'd want to wait until May when I walked (for graduation) and all this other stuff. He said I made him feel like he never did anything right because he didn't fulfill my wants and desires. That wasn't it at all. I simply asked for the title to my car to be signed over to me so I could go buy a car myself. I wasn't even asking for them to buy it. I appreciate him wanting to help me, but I don't want the help. He got so mad at me. He was just blowing up. I ended up in tears until pretty much 5:30 when Matt got to our house on Christmas night. I just didn't understand how he could get so mad at me SO fast? I took it very personal. He and my mom started fighting and it just made me so upset. Christmas night was fun though. It made it better. We went to my Aunts house and played a game and ate dinner then opened presents. It was good to see them and hang out with them. I wish we saw them more (just goes back to the whole regretting not spending more time with family) but life always gets in the way. So, that was my Christmas. It was 1/2 good, 1/2 bad. The whole car situation never got resolved. I gave up the fight. They still have the title, and I still can't buy myself a car. How stupid.

Christmas Eve

Today is Christmas Eve. We went to see my grand mom (my dad's mom) this afternoon. I hadn't seen her in so long it is ridiculous and embarrassing how long it has been since I've seen her. She actually did really well today. She was engaged and pretty alert. She tried to make conversation which my dad says sometimes she just sits there and won't say anything at all. So seeing her more lively was a good thing. We took Gina (our dog) over there. That made her perk up alot. She talked to the dog and said some really funny things. We (my family and my dad's sister and husband) came back to the house for just a while. Then we went to dinner at the Country Club. The food wasn't good actually. It was all like casseroles and mushed up stuff. I like PLAIN things. I don't like my green beans in a casserole where it adds a thousand more unnecessary calories. The whole POINT in green beans is HEALTHY! DUH! So, needless to say I didn't eat that much.

I'm so annoyed right now though. I feel like my parents and family ignore everything I have to say. Nothing gets acknowledged, they all just ignore my words. I seriously don't understand what is wrong with me that I get overlooked ALL the time. I swear I'm like the ugly swan. No one wants to be around me or hear my voice or look at me. Its honestly how I feel. I feel like I'm the outcast and no good for anything. No one is happy for me about anything in my life. They all just think Christina is amazing. She just gets all the attention!

Well, I'm just so happy tonight! A night that should be fun isn't fun at all!

Not Good News

I don't have very good news. I have had alot of tooth pain since fall break. I just noticed I was really sensitive to cold things like grapes when I bite into them, cold drinks, or anything really. I went to the dentist finally on Monday and they said I have tooth recession. Which means the gum around my tooth has dropped down to where my root is exposed along with the nerves, hence why I feel so uncomfortable with cold things. I was sent to a specialist and actually got an appointment today. I have to have mouth surgery to fix it because the gums won't heal back to where they were. It is caused by 4 things: 1. braces (which I had) 2. Brushing your teeth really hard (which I do) 3. Using a whitening toothpaste (which I do) and 4. Genetics (which my grandmother has thin gums). SO...I'm really pretty much doomed to have this problem. I wish I'd know about this before so I could have taken the preventative measures like I was told about today. I have it all along the bottom teeth so I need to be extra careful or they could very well get lower as well. I have to get a sonicare toothbrush and brush with special toothpaste and all this stuff. I hope it helps with preventing it from getting worse. I am going to have to have surgery though for the gums on my bottom right side. I don't know when though because they are closed next week and I start my job January 2. I have no idea what my days off will be like and how many I'll get and when and all that good stuff..so I don't know when I can schedule to have this done. It's a pretty abrasive surgery. They take gum from the roof of my mouth and place it over the tooth that is exposed at the bottom where the gum is receding downwards. I'll have stitches and all. It is apparently painful.I can imagine. It hurts when i bite into something and burn the roof of my mouth. I'm nervous about it, but I don't know when it will happen so it makes it worse.

I'm getting really nervous about my job. I am so excited about it, but just the thought of this being a "real job" and my career scares me. I don't feel ready for this. I think everything is finally hitting me and sinking in. Graduating, moving home, getting a job, growing up...its all just hitting me like bricks. At first I was on a "high" from just finishing exams, packing up all my stuff, getting all my xmas shopping done, moving home, settling in, I was just super busy with everything and didn't even have time to really think about it all. Everything happend so fast, I had exams, I graduated, I got a job offer, I had to move home, pack and unpack, and do xmas shopping, all in like 3 days. Now things have settled down and its all just hitting me. I have so many emotions, I don't even know what they are honestly. I am just in a daze all the time. I don't feel "with it" or alive. I'm just like blah. Idk what is going on with me.

Thank You!!

Wow, what a crazy few days. I haven't posted in awhile. I have been really really busy. I graduated college and got a job!! I am now an Event Planner! I am sooo every excited. I start January 2, 2012. I am beyond Blessed I feel like. I am just amazed at the beauty of God's work in my life! I can't express how thankful I feel right now. I truly feel like the most Blessed girl on the planet! God works miracle's for sure! I seriously give Him all this glory! Thank you Lord for providing me with such an amazing opportunity as an awesome school that is up and coming. It is everything I've ever wanted!

THANK YOU!!!!

Philippians 4:16

Today is a good day! It's payday! :-) Always love those days.

I am officially a college graduate and it feels so weird. I am happy about the fact I got a B in Accounting and an A in Finance. I don't know any of my other grades yet, my teachers are so slow at posting grades. Its annoying.

Yesterday I went with Melissa (my future boss) to see how an event was ran. She wanted me to see what all went on and how it was run before she actually hired me I guess. After the event was done she asked if I was still interested and of course I said yes. She said she had a very busy week this week and her boss makes her call everyone's references so after she did that she would get back to me next week. She definitely made it seem like I got the job. I also received an email from someone who works there that on Sunday night at their Christmas party Melissa was bragging on me to everyone. She was saying how she felt like I was so qualified and had great experiences and all. She thought I'd be perfect. Of course that made me feel really good! Finally someone believes in me. Later on in the afternoon yesterday she sent me an email saying I needed to go fill out a background release form so they can do a background check on me. Her exact words were, "I want to get the ball rolling." AGH!!! I can't believe I'm going to have a job January 2, 2012. I just graduated and I'm going to have a job lined up right after school. I am so incredible Blessed. Thank you Lord! I cant even begin to describe how Blessed I feel right now. The Lord definitely watches out for me and keeps His hand over me. Just everything I've been through throughout high school and college...like He has been the strength for me. He has watched over me, protected me, and guided me through. There were so many times I wanted to give up, to quit, to just not even try anymore, but He gave me the strength to get through each day. "ONE DAY AT A TIME" is definitely what I live by and what helped me get through this. I don't understand how people don't believe in God. Like if they just saw all the miraculous things that happen to me, just in my life, not even everyone else on the planet, how can they not see there is a God and He is real?! It just baffles me to think people are that ignorant and naive. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! -Philippians 4:16

Done With College

I took my last final ever today! I am officially done with college. I had finance today. I'm pretty confident I got an A on that. I'm anxious to see my grades now. They haven't posted any of them yet. I don't know why I always feel like I get the slowest teachers as far as posting grades. And only one of them uses blackboard so I can't even go on to see my grade that way. It feels good to be done though! I'm going to miss this though!

Carin Again

This girl Carin...the same one I was blogging about like last week is back again. I don't know what it is about her that Matt finds so fascinating. It makes me furious though and really upset. I wish he would respect that and not talk to her. He is always initiating conversations with her. He talks to her through email (his work email). He had logged onto his email on my computer and I saved it because the one time I did log on and check stuff...they'd been talking. So, this morning I logged on and sure enough he had sent her another message. It just isn't right. He doesn't say like "I wanna date you" type stuff but he is so flirty and she is so flirty back. He then blames ME and says I'm the ruining our relationship...which I don't understand. Of course I'm going to get mad he is talking to her. He KNOWS I don't like her, I don't want her talking to him, and I don't want him talking to her! He thinks that because I'm mad then I'm ruining things...when really he is the one ruining it by talking to her. He changed his password this morning which made me more mad because why else would he change it if he didn't have things to hide. He def has stuff to hide or he wouldn't have changed his password..he would have just been like, "Oh I'm so sorry it won't happen again, I'll leave my password to prove it to you." But nope. I get the totally opposite. He gets mad at me for it, changes his password, and tells me I'M the one freaking out and ruining everything...doesn't make any sense does it? NOPE!

Other than that...today has been awful. I didn't wake up until 11:00 and the first thing I saw was that..so I've just been worried and upset all day. I also did something I told myself I'd never do again. I hate it, I can't believe I did it...but I didn't have any other way of getting this anger out. I felt so mad, so hurt, and so destroyed that this would happen to me AGAIN, I shouldn't have resorted back to it...but in the moment it's all I could think about/do to calm myself down. I was hysterically crying already and I just had to do it. I'm to embarrassed to even write/type it out.

I'm at work now which has helped get my mind off everything...but it still bothers me. I thought Matt and I were doing so well. I thought we'd been through it all and understood what each other liked, disliked, what we wouldn't do because we loved and cared about the other person so much...but I guess I was completely wrong. I was very wrong, he still isn't as committed as I am and it makes me so sad. I want to marry this guy and I want to feel like I have nothing in the world to worry about but as of right now that isn't the case at all. I would still worry and wonder and that's not how a marriage should be. I wish he would see this!!!!

I feel so used when I think about all this. I know for a fact that if this were reversed then he would not still be with me after everything. He talks to her all the time, he almost kissed this girl one night, and it just is such a double standard because I can't say anything or he gets mad at me, and if I did this then he would break up with me. He doesn't think he does anything wrong and that is the part that gets me. He thinks its totally okay and everything is just fine if he apologizes. I know he doesn't mean it though or he wouldn't try and fight with me and blame me for it all and tell me how I'm the one ruining everything. If he was sorry, he would never send her messages in the first place. I just feel like he thinks he can get away with anything and I won't leave him. That isn't the case though. I will leave him if this doesn't stop, I won't put up with this the rest of my life. I don't deserve this at all. I want a guy that will be all into me and never think about other girls or want to flirt with them...and there are guys like that out there. Matt better get his act together!!!

Decemeber 11, 2011

Today marks Matt and I's 3 years and 2 months...but who is counting!? haha. I can't believe it's been this long. It feels like yesterday we met and went to the movies! I love him so much!!

Last night we went to the UNC game against Longbeach! It was for his birthday. We had alot of fun. We got there around 3:30ish, walked around on Franklin street, ate dinner, and went to the game. They won so it was good! We had a good time. It was nice to get out of town and just do something different! I think Matt had a good time as well.

I had my Accounting exam yesterday morning. It was 10 questions, 10 points each. I feel like I only got one whole question right. All the others I feel like I might have gotten a few points taken off. I just hope and pray that I end up with a B in that class. I'd be sooo happy with a B. I don't want to do anything spectacular...I just want a B so I can be on Dean's List my final semester. I am really anxious to see what my grade will be. Who knows when I'll find out though because he is the SLOWEST grader of all time. I don't know how he will meet the deadline of having grades turned in. I only have Finance left on Tuesday! Then I'm done!

I'm going shopping today with mom, so that should be fun and I always love our time together! :-)

I hate studying!

I've literally been studying all day long. I am so tired and can't focus anymore. I have two exams tomorrow. Economics and Marketing. Econ won't be that bad because I can have a sheet with any notes, formulas, etc I want on it. Marketing hopefully won't be to bad either. 60% of it is coming straight from our first three tests, so that is nice. I just am so tired from everything. This week has killed me. I've been so stressed and anxious with everything going that I'm just dead. I crash so fast. I need so much caffeine to keep me awake and alert. I just want this weekend to come and now! I'm SO ready! I have one exam on Saturday morning also, so around 11:30 on Saturday should come right now!

Christina had her interview today for the campus concierge job! I hope she gets it, she said it went really well so that is good! They kept her longer than the previous girl so that is also a good sign, she talks more, which I'm sure they like. I think she'd be great at the job so we shall see!

No news from anyone about my job and the one I interviewed for Monday. I'm beginning to just want to call them and be like, "what's up?! Who got it?!" haha, I wouldn't though. I just want to know! I hate not knowing.

I am so excited for Christmas!! I can't wait, like seriously it should be the best Christmas ever!!!! :-) Makes me soo happy thinking about it!

Last Day of Classes

Today is the last day of the semester. Exams start Friday and I have two Friday, one Saturday and one Tuesday...then I'm done done! It is so weird thinking I'll never sit in a classroom and take notes again and worry about tests/exams/quizzes/homework etc. It is just the weirdest feeling I've ever felt before. Never again will I do this. I don't know why this is just such a big thing for me. Maybe one day I'll be able to look back and think or see how this time effected me and why it effected me how it did. I just don't have any insight right now. Today is my last day of work (kind of). I don't have to work until Monday just from 3-5, then Wednesday from 3-5. I don't have to work tomorrow or Friday so it is going to be weird as well. Everything is just weird right now, I don't know how to explain it. I'm anxious and nervous...and I don't know why?

I have yet to hear anything from the job I interviewed for on Monday. I think I'm partly anxious about that as well. I want to know something, just anything! I wish they'd say, "We will let you know something by so and so!" Just so I have some clue about what is going on! I don't even know who else they are interviewing, how many people they are interviewing or anything. It bugs me. I hate not knowing things. I want to know who I'm going up against and what my chances are I'll get the job! I'd also like to know if I should keep looking for jobs. I haven't looked for any since Monday because I just feel confident about this which I hate because I should keep looking.

I need to start studying for exams, so bad. I've procrastinated ALL week which isn't like me at all. Normally I'd have most everything done by now. I just have this anxiety and I can't sit down and sit still. I feel like anxious and nervous all the time. I thought Monday it was just because I was interviewing that afternoon, but yesterday and today haven't been much better. I don't know what it is but it needs to go away. I have to much to do to worry about being anxious.

Waiting

Well my interview went well. I only met with him for like 10 minutes because he knew I had to be at work at 4:00 and he was late so we ended up only having limited time together. I feel like he liked me, he suggested I "shadow" or go with Melissa to an event to see what she does, how things work together, and the result of everything. I am excited about it. I'm going next Wednesday to watch and experience an event. I sent her a thank you email and she responded with having me fill out an application online. I feel like I have a good chance at this job, but I just don't know for sure. I feel like they wouldn't have me do all this extra stuff like fill out an application, go to an event next week if I wasn't going to get the job. Idk though, I could be totally wrong. They may want to see how I'll interact with people, if I'll step up and help, or what? I am just ready to hear something. I hate waiting. I constantly check my email for stuff, but nada.

Other than that, work is still going well. We have been really busy this week which is good..makes time go by faster. Tomorrow is the last day of classes. So weird to be done with classes for forever. It's a good thing though, I feel like I've done something and accomplished something. :-)

Freaking Out!

I'm pretty much freaking out right now. I've been so nervous all day long. I can't seem to calm down and just take a deep breath in and relax. I never get this way! I never am THIS nervous for an interview. I guess because of all the hype I've made it and how much I've talked about it to so many people. Well, just Matt, mom and dad, and Christina...but still. I never talk about interviews, phone conversations with people, or anything this much..and for a good reason..because this happens. I get myself all nervous and basically a wreck. I have this interview in 45 minutes. I'm soooo paranoid of what he will ask me, what I will say back (because who knows what will come out of my mouth on the spot), and if I will sweat, shake, seem uncomfortable, Friday when I was interviewing I just got really hot, and my hands were getting sweaty/sticky haha. I just hope/pray it goes well! I'm just a nervous wreck right now. I'm trying to keep calm...but I am getting more nervous as time goes on. I've been nervous since around 9 this morning. I hate this!!! AGH, I want it to get over with and be 4:00. I work at 4:00 so I know it has to be over by then! We will see! I want this job so bad, and yet I'm scared at the same time! This always happens to me. Lord, please give me the confidence, strength, and words during this interview!!!!

Time With Mom

I spent my day today with mom. She picked me up around 12:30, we went to lunch, then did a lot of Christmas shopping together. I really enjoy spending time with her and our Saturday "outings." I just love the time, talks, and memories we create. I look up to her and think she is the most amazing women I have ever met. She is so smart, and she has so much advice for me, and she is always so excited to hear about my life, my week, what goes on, she is just always so interested in me. She is seriously the ONLY person in my life who genuinely seems excited for me and interested in me. My dad cares, I know he does, but he just doesn't even show it. He is a very busy man running his business and I always am on the back burner. My sister is there, she cares, but she doesn't seem to care as much as my mom. My mom just seems so proud of me and who I am, where I am going, what I have accomplished, and she just really is the only one who I call and tell good news, or who I look forward to talking to because I know she will listen. She always has such great advice for me, she knows what to say when I'm down, how to cheer me up, she knows/senses when things aren't right with me, she is just always there to lift me up. I seriously hope I can be 1/2 as good of a mom as she has been to my sister and I. She genuinely wants the best for me/us. She would do anything in the world to make Christina and Is life a better one than she had. She would give up everything for us. I just can't even begin to thank her enough or show her how much I appreciate her and how much I love her. One day I know we won't have these Saturday outings and I just want to cherish each and every second I have with her. She is just such an amazing women. She has built up such a great life for herself and our family. It is definitely because of my mom our family is the way we are. She holds everything together in times of tribulation, she makes everyone happy and get along, she keeps calm and collected even when there are big things going on, she never shows she is worried or anything, she always seems to think everything will be okay and she reassures us that it will. I just hope I can be like her when I become a mom! I hope and pray God gives me 1/2 the qualities she has. I love my mom so much! <3

Interview

My interview today went soooo well! I am so happy, I am in the best mood ever! I really really hope and pray I get this job! It would mean the WORLD to me! I am meeting with another guy (the girls boss today) on Monday at 3:00 so I guess she really liked me since she already set up another interview with her boss. I really pray it goes well. I am going to try really hard to prepare and do my best. Today she told me about the position. It is an entry level position doing event planning. I would handle all the IDS events which is speakers, concerts, things like that who come to campus and do productions for the students. I would also work closely with admissions and handling the family, alumni, open-house weekends. I would work commencement. I basically would have a part of everything that goes on on the campus. I am SO excited. It is seriously the PERFECT job for me! I am so excited she liked me to get me an interview with her boss (who is right under our President).

I was so excited and called my dad to tell him about the interview, and he barely had anything to say to me except if he offers me the job on Monday to say I will get back to him. WTF? Why wouldn't I just take the job? I mean it's a job I really want!! He hung up on me onetime during the conversation and the other time that's all he said then he said he HAD to take a phone call! I don't talk to him like all week, I call him with exciting news, and he has nothing to say! I really got down about that, it made me really sad. I wish he seemed more interested in my life and a job opportunity. My mom was happy and all, so it made up for it, but still :-( Kind of made me really depressed. I thought he would be proud...but no!

Change

As I'm sure you are aware, I'm graduating in about two weeks. I am really anxious about it. I am so excited that I have completed college, gotten a degree, and now I'm moving onto finding a job and being more independent. That is the exciting part, I accomplished one of my goals in life. The scary part is I am moving home, I don't have a job yet (and I hate the unknown), I will be without support from Lynda or anyone, and I just don't have any idea what is next for me. I hate change, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate it more than you can even possible imagine. I am definitely a girl of comfort and not stepping outside my comfort zone. I try to think back and remember I went to college. If I can do that, then I can do anything. College is a HUGE change. I was so excited for it though, I'm not so excited about graduating. I guess if I had a plan then it would make me feel better, but as of right now there is nothing so what is there to be excited about?

I met with Dr. Dansie yesterday. She is "worried" about me. I just love when people tell me that. I am fully aware I do not take care of my body the way I "should" and I don't need you to reiterate that I'm slowly but surely killing myself. That's not exactly something I want to hear. I met with her for the last time. I can't see her anymore since I'm graduating and the school won't pay for her. I could still see her, for 100.00 per HALF hour! How ridiculous. That is an outrageous amount of money for me to pay to see someone who only see's me for literally like 15 minutes and just writes me a prescription. No thanks! She wants me to go see a Doctor regularly and see Lynda in her private practice in Winston. Lynda is only 60.00 per/hr. I could handle that once a month. I only see her now once a month anyways. I just don't like feeling like I'm just being thrown into the ocean and given nothing but weights on my feet and people telling me to just survive. I feel like I'm kicking harder and harder but I'm getting tired and soon I'll just sink. :-( I know it sounds bad, but it's how I honestly feel like now at this point in life. I just feel so alone and like nothing matters anymore. I want to find a job SO bad, I want something to keep me motivated, I want to feel like I have a purpose and like someone/something needs me and relies on me. If I just go home with nothing, I'm going to relapse. I am already struggling so much and fighting just hoping something gives me motivation to stay healthy. I hate how I need stuff like a job, friends, school, things to make me feel motivated. Why can't I just think I'm worth it to not die? I just don't think that way.

I have an interview today! I'm really excited about this one! I just hope it works out. I found out about the position yesterday and applied and already heard back! I am just praying, praying, praying this works out! It would SERIOUSLY be the PERFECT job for me! I hope it goes well!

CARIN

Doesn't that name just sound evil, satanic, and like a demon?! Who names their kid CARIN? The only other Carin I know, literally worships the devil. This girl is pretty much the same way! I seriously wish she would die. I hate her guts, I hate who she is, I hate her living in NORTH CAROLINA...much less in the triad..she needs to move to CA! I wish she would get fired! I hate how she flirts with MY boyfriend, and he will flirt back (but that's a different story). I hate how she thinks she is the shit, I hate how she thinks she is just sooooooooooooooooo pretty. I hate how she thinks she can have whoever she wants....but lemme tell ya, she goes for some gross guys probably cuz she knows she can't get anyone decent. I just wish she would leave my boyfriend alone. She needs to understand that I don't like her, I don't want her talking with Matt, and I will say something to her! She crosses the boundaries sooo much and I'm getting really sick and tired of it. I've put up with her over a year now and I think it's to the point I need to say something. She just is the biggest flirt and it needs to stop. I will confront her, I'm not scared. I hate how she always creeps back into matt's life somehow, someway! She needs to get her OWN friends, her OWN life, and stop living through me. I know she wishes she had Matt...but she needs to BACK THE EFF OFF!


WHEW...I feel better!

Thanksgiving

I had the best Thanksgiving I've had in probably 9 years. First off, the food part went well. I didn't freak out as much as I thought I would have. I think it's because I know my weight is pretty low right now so if I DID end up gaining a pound or two I know I won't be "fat." I can easily lose that again when I get back to school. I worked out on Wednesday and Thursday so I felt like that helped alot as well because I haven't been running at school at all. The second reason why it was great was because my family got along, no big arguments, and everyone was happy. It is always nice when everyone's in a good mood and we get along.

Matt and I decided awhile back we would go shopping at midnight on Black Friday. We ended up going to the Tanger Outlets. It was pretty crazy! I didn't expect it to be THAT crazy. I wanted to get my mom a coach purse and the line for coach was wrapped around the entire store...JUST to get IN the store. I would probably STILL be waiting to get in the store if I stood in that line. It was the only disappointing part of the trip. Other stores like Nike had a D.J. in them playing music and all, it was actually pretty cool. I don't know if I'd do it again...it was fun, it was a great experience to say I've done it...but it was crazy. I did find some great deals...so I may do it again lol, who knows. I got home about 3:30 that night, slept for 5 hours...then got up Friday morning and Matt, Christina, and me decorated the house/tree for Christmas. It looks so pretty now! :-) I love our house all decorated. Mom does such a good job picking things out. After that Matt, Christina and I went shopping again around 1:00 to Hanes mall. It wasn't as crowded but still found good deals. Then today...Matt and I went to Four Seasons mall and found some great stuff! I'm pretty shopped out right now, and for me to say that is a big thing. I feel like I've literally seen it all now. I had a great weekend though, it was fun to be with family and Matt.

I'm going back to school tomorrow. It's amazing how fast the break goes. I'm ready to get back though. I need to be productive. I feel like I've done everything I can now and if I stayed home any longer I'd just be bored. I hate being bored! I have a fricking Marketing test on Monday! I can't believe my teacher scheduled a test for Monday after Thanksgiving. UGH it makes me so mad. I have studied some...but still have a ways to go.

I know I've been talking a BUNCH about how Matt doesn't seem as "into" me and as "in love" with me as much as he used to be, well today and yesterday really helped me and eased my nerves alittle about that situation. Yesterday he seemed really into me, was just more "lovable" and he just seemed happier I guess. He was talking to my parents and joking around with them and he wanted to hang out with them. We all watched a movie, he played with my dogs, fed my dogs, took them out, its just the little stuff like that I feel like if he didn't care/love ME...then he sure as heck wouldn't go out of his way to let shroomy out when she wants to go! Then TODAY...we looked at ENGAGEMENT RINGS!!!!!!!!! I was soo fricking excited when he suggested we go look at rings. It seriously shocked me. He has been talking about it will be awhile before we ever get engaged...but today it made it feel real, it made me feel like he is thinking about, it made me so excited. I can't even explain how happy I was. I felt like today he showed me he wanted to be with me. He just acted SOOO much like the old Matt. He didn't seem distant, he didn't seem like he was questioning me, he didn't seem like he was frustrated/annoyed with me...he just seemed like the Matthew I love and the Matthew I fell so hard in love with. I feel so much less anxious and worried. I'm a happy girl tonight. :-D

My Head is Going to EXPLODE!

I have tried to ignore and put aside all these thoughts and feelings because Matt gets mad when I bring it up...but I just feel like Matt doesn't think about me the same anymore. I feel like all day I've been texting him (he is at home for Thanksgiving) and I just feel like he is short with me, won't text me back for a long time, won't ask ME any questions...then tonight was just the topping of it all. He told me that he was watching the game so he couldn't talk (on facebook). I asked what game and it wasn't even a Carolina game. It just really put into perspective how he thinks about me. He doesn't want to even talk to me, ask about my day, find out what I did etc...he wants to watch a team, Duke, play. He hates duke. But yet he wants to watch something he hates over talking to me...wow! He must really not want to talk to me. It just bothers me soo much and I can't tell anymore because if I share it with my parents, well they will go back to not liking him and we all know how that goes...horrible! And Christina doesn't really understand...plus she hasn't even been home much, and well, that's pretty much it for people I'd talk to about it. I just hate this feeling of him not loving me/caring about me. I just really hate it soooo soooo much. I want things back to normal. I don't think I'm freaking myself out, I don't think I have no reason to not think this, I feel like I have valid points and he just thinks i'm blowing smoke pretty much. UGHHH!!!!! This just makes me so sad!

My grandmom feel on her face today and had to be rushed to the hospital. She was walking down the hallway and just lost her balance and completely feel flat on her face. My dad went to be with her..they did x-ray's and nothing was broken. Her face looks like it was just completely beaten up with a baseball bat, and her wrist is really swollen. It breaks my dad's heart to see her in that condition. He gets so many calls about her each week, and he doesn't feel like she will be around much longer. :-( It makes me feel guilty I haven't seen her in literally years when she lives right down the road basically. I just don't want to see her in that condition, I want to remember her as the vibrant, young, alert, active, talkative, grandmother that was always trying to give me orange soda and sugar by the tablespoons when I had the hiccups. I hate, I mean despise, seeing people I love in bad condition. Seeing my Grandad die of lung cancer was awful...I still remember him laying in that hospital bed with no hair, pale, and couldn't even hold a necklace in his hands he was so weak. That's NOT how I want to remember my grandparents.

Tomorrow I'm helping mom cook thanksgiving dinner. I'm excited actually to be with her and learn some of her recipes and traditions. I am not looking forward to eating a huge meal, but we all know why! It should be really fun though. Ginger and Gregg are coming, Grandmom is coming, and Matt will be here. I can't wait to spend time with everyone. I haven't seen Ginger and Gregg in forever. Tomorrow night Matt and I are going shopping at midnight...yup with all the crazy people who act like there will be no more xmas presents left after that night. We are doing it just to say we have done it. I'm excited about it..but at the same time...I love my sleep! I'm gonna be so tired tomorrow night...I just know it and I'm not gonna wanna go. I think Matt and I should just go to target and call it a night lol.

Being home has been so nice. I know it's only been like 24 hours..but it has been so relaxing. I need a break. My stupid Marketing teacher decided we should have a test on Monday though, so I have to study this weekend which SUCKS! And I have Accounting homework. What are these teachers thinking?! Obviously they AREN'T thinking!

Dad and I were talking today about my future. He thinks I should go ahead and get my MBA, or just work for him. I just wanna work honestly...I need a break from school maybe one day I'll go back and get my MBA! The classes seem really interesting though. I'd really enjoy them! We will see where and what happens to me in the next few weeks!

Lost

I am really lost right now. I feel like so confused about my relationship. I've honestly never felt this way before with Matt. I joke alot about him being with other girls, looking at other girls, talking to other girls, etc. I mean yes, I do ask some questions about girls seriously because I do get concerned...and rightfully so, I mean he did almost cheat the other weekend...but honestly 1/2 the time I'm joking. He jokes with me about it also..maybe not as much, but he sure has in the past where in the past I didn't. SO..my point is this. Last night he really got mad at me AGAIN about it. Its fine if it is annoying him, it would me to..but at the same time..its just because I'm paranoid about losing him. I love him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him and yet I don't feel like he feels the same. I just am honestly scared he is going to realize how pathetic I am, what a looser I am, and how awful of a gf I am and find someone else. I feel like he is begining to see what a low life I really am and that's why he is backing off alittle. I really feel like he is distancing himself from me, and its not just me that thinks/see's this..my sister has noticed it as well. I don't know if he is purposely doing this or its something that is just happening because his feelings are begining to fade. He gets annoyed and bothered when I tell him how I feel so I have to vent all this here. I am concerned yes, but I think he would be also if I almost cheated just two weeks ago! I really don't feel like I'm over-reacting, or being paranoid about nothing here. I think anyone that is madly in love with someone and that person hurt them by almost cheating would be scared to! I know if it were reversed he would be questioning me as well. I don't talk to him about why I question him alot because I don't want to "throw it in his face" about almost kissing Nida. I just hope that this Thanksgiving goes well and he isn't short and rude to me. It really bothers me when he says I'm pushing him away by questioning him and all. I don't feel like that would push someone away, if I had one person in my life that cared about me as much as I care about Matt...my gosh it'd make me so happy! I'd feel like my life was complete.

I'm going home today for Thanksgiving break. I am so excited. I need to just be with my family and relax and hopefully that will get my mind off everything, at least I hope and pray it does. I am looking so forward to just hanging out at home with mom, christina, and dad, and of course the doggies. :-) I just hope we all get along and nothing bad happens...and dad doesn't say anything about my weight and eating. I can tell when he looks at me now he is thinking how "skinny" I am in his eyes. I'm not really that skinny...but he looks at me and I just can tell he is thinking "she isn't eating." So..I just hope everything goes smoothly with that. Other than that...just hope my parents get along and everyone is happy! :-) I just have 3 hours of work and accounting before my break starts!!! I am soo excited to get outta here and just get home!

This song came on while I was typing all this...it's perfect! Listen to it. It's exactly how I feel!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6b98P6xSEls

GRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

akdlf;adk jflk a;lejr;klajdf;kldj ;lskjd f;klajsd;lfk ads;lfja;lskdfj ;asldjfkl;sdj fk;ladsj f;lkasj;ldksjf;klajds f;lkdjf;kldaj ds;lfkjds;lkfaj ds;fkjadsa

That's how I feel right now!!!!!!!!!!!

I seriously want to scream and punch someone!!!!!!!!!

Unsure About His Feelings

   I had a great weekend. Saturday I went with my mom to some dog place to get our dogs certified to be therapy dogs, neither one passed though. I knew shroomy wouldn't...she is just to scared of everything, and gina wouldn't "down" in the grass. She's a prissy pot and hates the grass so she failed because she wouldn't lay down in the grass. It was fun though and I got some good laughs at the dogs. I enjoyed being with mom. We ended up going to Panera for lunch and then went shopping. I love my Saturday's with her. We just have so much fun together and its nice to spend time with her one-on-one. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my mom!
   Later Saturday I went to see Matt. We went out to dinner which was fun! We just hung out at his place the rest of the night and watched a movie. It was relaxing and fun.
   Yesterday mom brought the dogs on campus for more "socialization" haha. Since they failed (well shroomy failed) the "meet a stranger" part of the test. She did well yesterday. She wasn't as scared of everything. But it was fun as always seeing her reactions to new things. She is such a spaz. Then the rest of the day was dedicated to sports. All Matt's teams played yesterday afternoon. At least they won so he was in a good mood...thank god! I hate when he gets pissed off at the game and then treats me like I was the one who made um lose. Yesterday was a good day though! :-)
    Last night...on the other hand...was not so great. I just always feel like I'm bugging him, making him mad, making him not like me anymore, I just really feel like he is so annoyed and sick of me. I feel like something that is totally fine one day the next day will piss him off. The only reason this would happen is because he is loosing feelings for me. I honestly feel like I'm on a different level as far as feelings go. He has always said he was further than me...but I def feel like I am way further in how I feel about him than he me. It sucks, I know how he felt for awhile...and now it just really sucks. I don't feel like ever since our first big break up back in March 2010, we have been as close. Or really him to me. I mean that January, we were looking at fricking engagement rings just because even though we knew it wouldn't happen for years down the road. But I could just sense he was so into me, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he would do anything and everything for me, he cared about my feelings, he cared if something bothered me, he tried to always hug me, tell me things would be okay, he really just honestly cared about my well-being and what was best for me. I just sensed he had a genuine interest in me and now I feel like yes he cares, yes he loves me, but to what extent? I just don't think he loves me as much as he did, and I'm scared he will never love me that much again because of everything we've been through. I feel like everything made me closer to him, made me realize how much I loved him, wanted to be with him, but for him I feel like it just pushed him away, made him put his guard up, and I just feel like he'll never let that down again. I don't feel like he trust me with his feelings, his deep inner emotions/thoughts...and that's something that bothers me. He never opens up to me anymore and I wish he would. Whenever I bring up marriage he never gets excited about it anymore like he used to, he never brings it up, he doesn't really include me in his future and it just really bothers me. Like does he REALLY want to marry me? Does he REALLY want to spend the REST of his life with me?! Will he be okay not talking to other girls and all? Sometimes I feel like he wants to be single again just to see what else is out there because I'm not good enough and he wonders what else he could have! I think he really is debating about us and if we are right for each other. I just don't sense the intense love anymore he used to have for me, I just really think he wants to see what else is out there...and if there's nothing, then I feel like he will settle for me. Maybe I'm not good enough for him...but I sure try my hardest to make him happy and hope one day he won't want other girls. I just remember before March 2010...he wouldn't even comment on other girls, his mom told me he was so in love me with..he would never say someone else was hott or put himself in any situation that would make me mad (especially when he was home). But now...I don't think he still feels that way. I wish so badly he still loved me how he did! I am trying so hard to make him happy and want me, and only me, forever and ever, and I just hope one day he will!

Home

I'm anxious about going home (as always) and I'm just so ready. Its a weird mixed feeling. I want to go home because I just need my family and dogs right now and just to be surrounded by people who I know love me and care about me. I need to just get my mind off things and unwind alittle. Playing with my dogs, drinking coffee with mom and christina in the mornings, just listening to music, talking with dad, those things always make me feel better. I need to get off HPU's campus for alittle while. I need a break of everything. I'm so sick of everything here and I need to leave before I snap. I then again, don't want to go home because the fear of food. I HATE eating dinners at my house. I hate eating in front of my parents. I feel like they ALWAYS judge me and make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I will probably just schedule things to do at night so I can leave the house. Christina will be there so we will do stuff I'm sure. I'm really excited to spend time with her. We always laugh and joke and just have such a good time together. Something I really need. I need her badly! She always brings me back down to a sane level. Right now I'm a ball of emotions that has been contained for so long I'm about to burst. I honestly feel like a balloon that has been blowing up with more air ever since probably a month ago, I feel like there can't possibly be room for more air...but then another day goes by and someone else fills it more. I'm really at the popping point today!

I am so glad today is Friday. I don't know if I could handle ANOTHER day of work tomorrow. And classes, and all that. I need a break. I'm going home tomorrow morning to help my mom take our dogs to "Dog Gone Fun" where they will try to get their "good citizin's award" which means they can go into nursing homes and other places to be therapy dogs. The one will get it, but Shroomy...the baby, there's NO chance she will get it! Haha. She is scared of everything still and extremely shy. It will be a good laugh though, that's why I'm going...and to support my mom. She really gets into this dog thing and it's become her second hobby...so I will go and be moral support for her!

My weight has dropped alittle bit this week. I have actually eaten more this week (or tried to) but idk...getting my weight back up isn't my number one priority right now. Getting through each day is my number one priority. Speaking of weight/eating/and all...it REALLY, I mean REALLY bugs me when someone who knows I have an eating disorder stares at what I'm eating. Like yesterday I was walking out from the caf with a to-go box of lettuce and cucumbers basically and someone who knew I struggled was starring soo hard at my box of lettuce...like "whats in it?" "Is she actually eating?" "I didn't think anorexics eat?" UGH, that annoys me SO fricking much it isn't even possible to put into words. Yes, anorexics eat...otherwise we'd die in like, days! Do we eat normal? No! But we do eat, and we eat safe foods to us. Am I gonna go and get a hamburger with cheese and double meat patties with chili on it and everything?! Heck no! But yes, I will eat a salad...and sometimes I'll even eat other stuff! WOW! (total sarcasm there). It really pisses me off!!!

RAGE

Something happened Saturday night (I can't say exactly what) but it is making really go crazy. I hate it, I can't stand it, I want to punch someone, I want to throw my body against a wall to wake up and hope this is a dream, I knew it would happen and yet I feel sooo stupid for allowing it to. I just KNEW one day this day would come. I have so much hate, anger, sadness, regret, hurt, shock, madness, and so many other things inside me that need to come out. Needless to say...the treadmill got a huge beating today. Ran so long and so hard...and yet I still don't feel like any of that energy is released. I'm just so mad at myself because this is just seriously the icing on the cake (which I've been building for years) and it just breaks me down and it really has destroyed me today. I can't even get out my thoughts about it because they are so jumbled up in my head but mainly my heart is hurting. I should always listen to my intuition...I'm NEVER wrong when it comes to stuff like this, never! Whenever I doubt something...there's a good darn reason why I do! I am just furious and extremely hurt! I honestly don't know how to handle this either because in times past when this stuff has happened...it never has turned out well for me.

GIANT LEGS!

This weekend was pretty hard for me. Matt and I hung out with Christina and Zach Saturday night. It was one of our friends Birthday's so we all hung out. Me and Zach started talking and I'm not exactly sure how weight got brought up...he was saying something about size and all. I said to him, "I'm not to skinny am I?" And he replied, "No! You've got some legs on you!" I was like "What?!" and then he repeated himself. Matt was standing behind me saying, "Don't say that to her, please stop!" He just continued calling me big basically. I was so shocked. I was crushed honestly. I felt like this weekend I'd finally gotten to my "goal weight." I guess you could call it. I didn't want to lose anymore because I don't want to end up back in IP. I felt actually thin. But wow was that crushed in a second. Now I feel huge and disgusting. I feel so self-conscious about my legs. All I want to do is wear baggy sweats and a hoodie. I hate this feeling. I was so upset the entire rest of the night I literally didn't say another word. I just sat there and stared off into blank space. Christina knew something was wrong, but she just thought it was cuz Nida was taking all her attention so we didn't get to hang out at all. Then Sunday all I could think about was the comment, what'd it mean? What is the solution? Was he being serious? What can I do to shrink my legs? How can I lose weight? Etc...

Well, here it is Tuesday morning...and I'm still thinking about it. I still wonder if my legs really are that big!? I know they are big and out of proportion with the rest of my body...but are they really THAT big?! I mean do people look at me and think, "WOW! She has big fat legs?!" I keep looking at them and they look huge to me! UGH!!!

November 10, 2011

I saw Lynda today because I felt like since I had such a bad weekend I needed some support. I've been really down and just depressed lately so I wanted to see her and get some feedback as to WHY this is happening. She could only meet with me for 20 minutes (well 30, but by the time I got in there and all) and so I gave her the run down of my feelings/thoughts. She thinks me going home after I graduate in December is a bad thing, which I know it is. I guess my thing is, why pay for an apartment when 1. I don't want to live alone. and 2. I'll be at Matt's every night until at least 9, so why throw all that money away when I have a place to lay my head at night. I think it's just the whole "living at home" thing makes me always relapse. It's just everything from being in my room, waking up at home, seeing my dad analyze me on a daily basis, having my parents just micro-manage me and my food intake (they always watch everything I put in my mouth), they like to ask me a million questions when I'm home, they try to tell me how to run my life. But when I'm on campus, they never even call me. I really don't understand it at ALL! When I'm home they treat me like I'm a 16 year old anorexic again that is literally dying and they feel the need to step in with every move because they don't think I can handle anything because "my brain isn't functioning properly" but when I'm on campus they treat me like I'm an adult that isn't even related to them. THEY NEVER EVEN CALL ME!!! It pisses me off. Also, when I'm home I have to see them interact with each other and see all the dysfunction and chaos in our house. It gets so annoying. Also when I'm home, I'm never allowed to be anything but happy and hyper and excited about life. If I am having a "blah" day they think my world is crashing down, they get so concerned and "worried" about me and they think I'm just falling back into my eating disorder all over again. I am just not allowed to be anything by happy. Lynda said part of the depression/anxiety/sadness is because the people I'm closest to and who love me the most, I'm not even allowed to be open and honest with my deepest feelings. It really makes me sad to think about. I almost started crying in her office because that is seriously one of things that really hurts me the most. I can never tell anyone how I feel, I always keep everything so bottled up inside and it really kills me. I think that's why leaving HPU is so scary also because I can tell Lynda all these things and in a few weeks I won't have her anymore. I can't imagine this insainity and no outlet. I don't know what is going to happen. I really don't.

As far as jobs go, nothing yet. I've applied for so many things online. I've met with people, had phone conversations and nothing has come about so far. It is really frustrating me. I hate this internet thing when it comes to jobs. I want to be able to go in someplace, meet someone, show them who I am and tell them WHY they should hire me. I hate just posting my resume online somewhere not even knowing if a person is going to see it or not. How personal is that? Ugh it's frustrating and I don't understand it. If I were hiring people, I would def not have this whole "online" thing. People can lie all they want, but if you get them in face-to-face you'll really see who people are behind this computer screen.

I am going to work shortly which by the way is going well. I had my "review" from my supervisor and her boss this Tuesday and they had all great things to say about me. It was nice to hear positive feedback. I am always freaking out that they don't like me and I don't do a good job at anything. I feel like sometimes I'm useless, but they reassured me I'm not and I do a good job! Best news of the week! :-)

Annoyed

Last night I tried talking to Matt about someones story of, I guess you could call it, hardship? I explained to him this person's story of how they got into drugs and came through it and gave the glory to God. He just gets so defensive about it. He was like "is this another one of your friends that got into drugs and are all better now and now they are posting it to the world on facebook?!" He was very sarcastic about it. I explained to him what happened and all and he just goes on to tell me how he doesn't feel bad for anyone who gets into drugs because they ultimately chose to do it the first time. Which yes, that is true but I still feel bad for someone who is addicted to something. In this case it started by pills to enhance performance given to him by his coach. This is someone he trusted and knew really well...how could he have known that one drug would have lead him to cocaine and other things? Then Matt said that the guy on sports center he felt bad for...why?! Because he was a sport person! Anything to do with sports Matt thinks is the greatest. I'm pretty sure if ESPN was to tell people to go use heroin Matt would do it. That's how much in love he is with ESPN and sports. It makes me really angry though because I never talk to him about anything anymore because I never get any sort of positive response with him. All he wants to talk about is work or sports. Like seriously that is IT! He never asks how I'm doing, what I did that day, how I am just overall, or anything! He doesn't even care. I honestly feel like he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He has just no interest in me what so ever. I really don't know why it changed. But he seems very content just being who he is and not caring about anything but what he wants. He'd be fine without me because he'd work all day and watch sports at night. Why does he need me in his life then? Why does anyone need me in their life? I guess I don't understand the urge to walk in the door and turn the TV on to check a score like its just this huge event! I don't understand it at all! He says that all guys are like that...well I'm sorry, he is wrong! Not all guys are like that. Yes there are guys who watch sports, but do they have their lives revolve around it? No! They actually care about their family and friends as well. It really scares me how into the games he gets. Like he just gets in a zone that is very unhealhty and not natural. It just really bothers me, and he doesn't care one bit!!!

I had another pretty boring weekend. I was sick kinda still on Friday night so I just relaxed and did nothing, but Saturday I felt really good and wanted to actually do something...but Matt of course didn't. He had to work Saturday so I didn't see him until 2:00 anyways, but after that he just slept all day and watched football. I wanted to do something that night, like go out, because I only have a few weekends left at school to do things like that before I'm back home and it just becomes a hassle with driving and all that...but no Matt wanted to stay in. So we did. Then yesterday was just basically for studying. So..needless to say..another weekend wasted at HPU. I might as well just move home now because it's not like I'm getting anything out of living on campus. Christina is gone alot or she is with Zach and they just do things together (which is good, I'm happy for her) but still I end up alone alot and it's no fun!

Mom and dad are "worried" about me again. They think I'm "noticeable" thinner. Well DUH, I've lost weight but I'm not a just bones walking around. I could afford to lose another 10 pounds and be fine. No one would even notice. My parents just always stare me down and notice every pound I lose or gain. Everyone else though would just think nothing. It's not like they'd even look at me and be like, "She is too thin." No one's ever said that to me except my parents and sister..which makes me not believe them! If I really were "too thin" other people would say stuff to. So, I dont care nor am I listening to them about gaining weight back! I don't want to so I'm not! They don't care about anything else in my life except what I weigh so why should I all the sudden think they are just SOO concerned and I should evaluate myself? No!!! Not happening!!!

Does He Care?

This has been bothering me all morning:

Last night Matt and I were watching Seven Pounds. If you aren't familiar with the ending the main character (Will Smith) kills himself by putting jelly fish in the ice cold bath water and he gets in. Matt said some comment about how he wanted a jelly fish or something and I just said, well if I kill myself I'm just going to take a bunch of pills. He was like "Sarah, stop!" I proceeded to tell him that I often think of suicide and how I would go about it if I ever did go through it (NOT THAT I WOULD!!!) but when I'm really depressed and in that mindset, I really think the world would be better off without me. Anyways, that's a whole other posting. What really made me hurt, I guess is the word, is that all he said was "Well, don't think those things." I was shocked, here his girlfriend, the one he supposedly LOVES and cares about SOO much is talking about killing herself and all he has to say is "Don't think about it." I let it go because I figured maybe he was just tired or something and would bring it up this morning...but nope he didn't. Then, this morning my ex sent me a chat on facebook telling me how he has a really bad disease and is undergoing chemotherapy/radiation and all this stuff. Being the nice, honest, sweet girlfriend I am..I told Matt I was talking to him because I don't want to hide anything from Matt or make him feel like I'm going behind his back. I told Matt what he said about how he is sick and all. All Matt could say was "well I'm sure you are going to just talk to him all morning." "He is only telling you because he wants you to feel sorry for him and then you'll give him attention." Then after I said, "Matt wow, you are being ridiculous. He has cancer/a disease that could take his life and all he wants is prayers!" He said, "Well what kind of cancer is it?!" I told him and then explained what happens in the body, and he said, "Well is it caused by smoking?" He knows Tyler smoked and probably was thinking "well he brought it on himself." Well, no it wasn't caused by smoking and even if it was it is still very painful for someone to go through something like that. I watched my granddad die from lung cancer that was directly related to smoking. I saw him go through everything. It is heartbreaking. He fought that cancer so hard and I'll never forget the last days of his life he couldn't even talk but yet he looked at me and mom said he was saying he loved me through his eyes. He adored my sister and I, especially me! It is sooo difficult to watch someone go through something like this and until Matt sees it first hand, he won't understand the pain and suffering that these people endure. Chemo is such a strong drug and once it enters your system, you have nothing left. Granddad would be so sick, he was so weak, so tired, he wasn't himself anymore, and Matt doesn't even care. He can be so cold hearted sometimes. I know he doesn't like Tyler, but you still should have sympathy for someone. My gosh!

Anyways, soo...getting to my point (I know this is long) but I really just found it so interesting that when I told Matt last night about me thinking I should kill myself, he had pretty much nothing to say. He didn't care, he didnt seem sad, upset, or anything that I was that depressed I thought about it and often (Again, let me emphasize, I am not, nor will I act upon these thoughts). But when I tell him I'm talking to Tyler, he gets so upset, he texts me non-stop about how I'll be talking all morning..he says more to me about him than when I told him last night I wanted to be dead. Why does he care who I talk to if he doesn't care whether I'm dead or alive? I don't understand...and it makes me very angry with him. I don't know if angry is the right word...but I am disappointed he wouldn't care more about me after 3 years of dating I guess. If he told me what I told him, my gosh I'd still be talking to him. I feel like if I told anyone this they would at least say something like, "well please don't kill yourself!" At least I'd hope...but I could be wrong!

Therapy

I always feel so much better after I leave therapy. I don't know why I don't go every week because it honestly makes me feel like I'm not crazy anymore. I saw Lynda today for the first time in probably three months or so. I got alot of my anxiety and worry out about graduating and moving back home. We talked through solutions about how to handle it and all. I also talked about other things that have been bothering me alot recently. It really scares me that I won't be able to see her after December 16th comes around. She is available through her private practice but it is 60.00 per hour. That's really not that bad compared with other people out there. I just don't think my parents would pay for it, well asking for them to pay is probably the problem. I'd feel so guilty asking them to pay for therapy more. They don't know I've seen Lynda the entire time I've been here at school (like all four years). I think they would constantly bug me about how I'm doing or what we talk about etc.. I just am really scared about my future and think having some support would be helpful. I know my parents don't see it that way though.

I'm feeling alot better today (from being sick) which is so nice. I hate being sick. I still get really dizzy when I stand up or get really tired when I have to walk far distances. I think tomorrow I'll be 100% again hopefully.

I don't have any plans for the weekend as of now. Matt has to work tomorrow morning so we probably won't do anything tonight, plus I should probably rest even though sitting in my room the past two days has been pretty much enough rest for me. I can't do much more sitting, I get to bored and restless. I want to do something fun tomorrow night for sure. I don't know what, but I need some fun! Last weekend I didn't do anything because of how sick Matt was so it is due for a fun eventful night/weekend!

My dad is acting like he is mad at me again. He emailed me Tuesday (yes, we email because for some reason my family doesn't ever "talk" about problems, we always email each other) and told me how is "concerned" and "worried" about me because I am loosing weight. He thinks that I am noticeable thinner and have lost quite a bit of weight. He said that I shouldn't use loosing weight as a coping mechanism for the stress of graduating and finding a job. I understand that, but it isn't like I purposely try to lose weight. Yes, sometimes I do try and knock off a few pounds...but when I try to lose weight..I never do. When I say "fuck it, I'm just gonna have to be fat" and just stop "dieting" I guess you could call it...I loose weight. ESPECIALLY if I'm stressed about something. I feel like the only times I think dieting and loosing weight is when I'm bored and lonely. Other than that...when I'm at school and in the routine of things...I don't think about dieting. I just eat whenever I get hungry. I eat lunch with Christina like everyday and then dinner is always with Matt..I'm not restricting or anything. I think that I just burn more calories because I'm always anxious and I feel like I'm running a marathon when I'm sitting completely still so my body just burns everything I give it. Yes, I definitely eat healthy all the time...but I'm not skipping meals. Even if it's a little meal, I'll still eat because I know I need it. Its hard to then gain the weight back, because of course I'm going to love the "high" of loosing weight and feeling thinner. I always LOVE the feeling of being hungry! It's really messed up and I know that's the eating disorder thinking...but I can't sit here and say I don't like loosing weight because I'd be lying. So that's why its harder to gain it back. Dad was like "gain the weight back" so nonchalantly. He KNOWS it isn't easy esp after everything we've been through and yet he still acts like it's just no big deal. I wish my parents would understand. I wish they'd actually be willing to be there for me rather than come down on me, but NO. I'll never get that full support I need from them! They will never understand me nor understand what I go through on a daily basis. I wish they could just see how much of a struggle it is for me on a regular day. They just want to always come down on me which then makes me more depressed, then makes me want to restrict even more. I just don't understand why they turn "concern" into anger and very mad at me. It makes me feel like such an awful person and like I'm doing something wrong rather than I'm just really struggling to accept myself and love myself for me. I'm just struggling with internal battles about not hating my every bone and cell in my body. When they get mad it makes me just hate myself 10x's more than before because I feel like such a burden to them. I know I've hurt them and taken years off their life with all the stress I've caused them. I can't help the fact I still struggle and still need support. I just don't know how to tell them how to act around me...even if I knew they WOULD listen to me. It's hard to deal with because I always have to pretend like everything is perfect in my life. I can never show my emotions around them because they get mad at me. It sucks. Really bad.

Need a Break!

I am so sick today. I haven't been this sick in such a long time. I am just miserable today. Fortunately I didn't have to go into work today. I texted my boss and told her how sick I was and she said it was okay to just rest. I was really worried she would be mad at me and make me come in because I didn't find a replacement. She told us at the beginning of the year we had to find a replacement or we HAD to be at work. I'm just glad she wasn't mad at me. There's no way I could have worked today. Christina is sick also. She has the exact same symptoms that I do. I don't know where we got this but whatever it was it is nasty.

I need a break though from school, work, and life. I am so stressed out. I feel like all my posts are the same thing because everyday is the same ole stuff. Don't get me wrong, I love being here at HPU, I love my job at the campus concierge, I'm just really stressed with school work right now and finding a job. It will all work out with time though.

I'm seeing Lynda tomorrow for the first time in a LONG time. I dont know what exactly to talk about but she wants to see me every month. I know there are things I could/should be working through with her while I can see her and it's free..but then on days that are good I think, "Well why should I even come anymore?" I wish I could still see her after December. I wish SO badly I would have utilized her more and worked harder in therapy working through the issues that still affect me on a daily basis. I have to look at the positive side of all this, I'm going to be a graduate and hopefully employed full time and starting my new life as an adult. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

Accounting is getting really hard. Today in class I was just sitting there so lost at what we were doing. I couldn't even begin to figure out what in the world we were suppose to do or even where to begin. I hate that feeling of being so lost in a subject, esp because we move so fast in class. I need a good grade in this class on our next test...and I'm really worried about it already! It's two weeks away! AGH!

Sick?

I feel like I'm getting sick...again! Matt was sick all last week (like really bad sick) and I am now feeling really tired, my throat hurts and I'm sneezing alot. I really hope I'm not getting what he had because he seemed like he was miserable. I can't just not see him though when he is sick. I needed to take care of my baby! My head is just throbbing right now. All I want to do is nap, but I have to go to work tonight. I wish someone would work for me tomorrow but at this late notice, yea right! No one wanted to work for me last time I was sick...so they probably won't this time. I have gotten sick like 5 times since being back at school. This is so unusual for me. I'm normally sick only 3 times a year at most! I just hate it, it's the worse thing in the world to feel like crap AND still have to go on with life. I need another fall break, I need a week to just chill and relax some. I really am gonna hate working full time and never getting time off. It is really gonna suck. My teacher in finance today even said, "college is the best years of your life, after that it's just downhill." I honestly feel that way. Working full time seems like just agony. I see my parents how stressed they are, how they work even at home and on weekends. Yes, they do own their own business so they have alot of extra stress...but still. They never leave work. Its always lingering over them and always on their mind. It just really seems like life sucks after graduation!

Time is of the Essence

I really can't believe how fast time is flying by this semester. I feel like I JUST moved in my dorm, JUST started training for campus concierge, and I really feel like freshman move in weekend was just yesterday! I can remember every detail about that day (down to what I ate for lunch and dinner). In reality it was almost 3 months ago though. I just can't believe how fast time has gone. I kind of regret not doing more this semester knowing it is my last one here. I wish I had gone out more, I wish I had done more "fun" things rather than working and just going to class and studying. I know in the long run it will benefit me more than if I'd just "had fun" the whole time. I just don't wanna look back one day and think "what if?" about certain things.

This past weekend was Halloween weekend. Everyone on campus basically goes CRAZY! Its kind of scary in a way how much people get into Halloween. I mean it is JUST a holiday that is mainly for kids to just dress up and get candy from their neighbors. I really think people get wayyy to into it. Most people have like three or four different costumes for each night of the weekend. I mean, seriously that is just alil ridiculous if you ask me. I didn't do anything this year because Matt had been sick for 5 days already and finally Friday he went to the Doctor and they didn't know what he had but gave him antibiotics. We (me and his mom lol) decided that he should rest all weekend. We were suppose to go to his house to hear Ric's band play on Sunday night. It was a dress up party type thing...but me and his mom decided he should rest and not drive home. So, we stayed here. We watched movies, hung out, just took it easy. It was actually really nice to not do anything for once. I LOVE being on-the-go and doing things all the time...but this weekend I was actually content doing nothing. Weird.

Sunday night was a minor breakdown for me. Stuff had just been building up and building up. Everything about graduation was just hitting me like a ton of bricks. I had talked to my dad on the phone that night and I know he is trying to help me, which I greatly appreciate, but I just don't want to think about some things SO much. So, I just got all worked up on the phone thinking about my future and just the anxiety of not knowing what was coming in a short amount of time really scares me. BIG TIME! I HATE not knowing things. So much that I beg Matt at the beginning of each fricking day what we are doing that day and night. I just like to know what I'm going to be doing! Also things with my sister were making me feel idk (I really can't put a word to how I feel with her). It just wasn't a settling feeling. I just feel like she isn't making some of the smartest decisions right now, but I know she has to live and learn for herself. She will figure it out. She is a smart and intelligent young women...I just wish sometimes I could slap her across the face and wake her up! She has to figure life out on her own though because she won't listen to anyone about anything. She's a stubborn lil thing. I just wish time would stop for a second so I could figure everything out, get everything in its appropriate place, and just get things back in order, then we can continue with life!