Carin Again

This girl Carin...the same one I was blogging about like last week is back again. I don't know what it is about her that Matt finds so fascinating. It makes me furious though and really upset. I wish he would respect that and not talk to her. He is always initiating conversations with her. He talks to her through email (his work email). He had logged onto his email on my computer and I saved it because the one time I did log on and check stuff...they'd been talking. So, this morning I logged on and sure enough he had sent her another message. It just isn't right. He doesn't say like "I wanna date you" type stuff but he is so flirty and she is so flirty back. He then blames ME and says I'm the ruining our relationship...which I don't understand. Of course I'm going to get mad he is talking to her. He KNOWS I don't like her, I don't want her talking to him, and I don't want him talking to her! He thinks that because I'm mad then I'm ruining things...when really he is the one ruining it by talking to her. He changed his password this morning which made me more mad because why else would he change it if he didn't have things to hide. He def has stuff to hide or he wouldn't have changed his password..he would have just been like, "Oh I'm so sorry it won't happen again, I'll leave my password to prove it to you." But nope. I get the totally opposite. He gets mad at me for it, changes his password, and tells me I'M the one freaking out and ruining everything...doesn't make any sense does it? NOPE!

Other than that...today has been awful. I didn't wake up until 11:00 and the first thing I saw was that..so I've just been worried and upset all day. I also did something I told myself I'd never do again. I hate it, I can't believe I did it...but I didn't have any other way of getting this anger out. I felt so mad, so hurt, and so destroyed that this would happen to me AGAIN, I shouldn't have resorted back to it...but in the moment it's all I could think about/do to calm myself down. I was hysterically crying already and I just had to do it. I'm to embarrassed to even write/type it out.

I'm at work now which has helped get my mind off everything...but it still bothers me. I thought Matt and I were doing so well. I thought we'd been through it all and understood what each other liked, disliked, what we wouldn't do because we loved and cared about the other person so much...but I guess I was completely wrong. I was very wrong, he still isn't as committed as I am and it makes me so sad. I want to marry this guy and I want to feel like I have nothing in the world to worry about but as of right now that isn't the case at all. I would still worry and wonder and that's not how a marriage should be. I wish he would see this!!!!

I feel so used when I think about all this. I know for a fact that if this were reversed then he would not still be with me after everything. He talks to her all the time, he almost kissed this girl one night, and it just is such a double standard because I can't say anything or he gets mad at me, and if I did this then he would break up with me. He doesn't think he does anything wrong and that is the part that gets me. He thinks its totally okay and everything is just fine if he apologizes. I know he doesn't mean it though or he wouldn't try and fight with me and blame me for it all and tell me how I'm the one ruining everything. If he was sorry, he would never send her messages in the first place. I just feel like he thinks he can get away with anything and I won't leave him. That isn't the case though. I will leave him if this doesn't stop, I won't put up with this the rest of my life. I don't deserve this at all. I want a guy that will be all into me and never think about other girls or want to flirt with them...and there are guys like that out there. Matt better get his act together!!!