Therapy

I always feel so much better after I leave therapy. I don't know why I don't go every week because it honestly makes me feel like I'm not crazy anymore. I saw Lynda today for the first time in probably three months or so. I got alot of my anxiety and worry out about graduating and moving back home. We talked through solutions about how to handle it and all. I also talked about other things that have been bothering me alot recently. It really scares me that I won't be able to see her after December 16th comes around. She is available through her private practice but it is 60.00 per hour. That's really not that bad compared with other people out there. I just don't think my parents would pay for it, well asking for them to pay is probably the problem. I'd feel so guilty asking them to pay for therapy more. They don't know I've seen Lynda the entire time I've been here at school (like all four years). I think they would constantly bug me about how I'm doing or what we talk about etc.. I just am really scared about my future and think having some support would be helpful. I know my parents don't see it that way though.

I'm feeling alot better today (from being sick) which is so nice. I hate being sick. I still get really dizzy when I stand up or get really tired when I have to walk far distances. I think tomorrow I'll be 100% again hopefully.

I don't have any plans for the weekend as of now. Matt has to work tomorrow morning so we probably won't do anything tonight, plus I should probably rest even though sitting in my room the past two days has been pretty much enough rest for me. I can't do much more sitting, I get to bored and restless. I want to do something fun tomorrow night for sure. I don't know what, but I need some fun! Last weekend I didn't do anything because of how sick Matt was so it is due for a fun eventful night/weekend!

My dad is acting like he is mad at me again. He emailed me Tuesday (yes, we email because for some reason my family doesn't ever "talk" about problems, we always email each other) and told me how is "concerned" and "worried" about me because I am loosing weight. He thinks that I am noticeable thinner and have lost quite a bit of weight. He said that I shouldn't use loosing weight as a coping mechanism for the stress of graduating and finding a job. I understand that, but it isn't like I purposely try to lose weight. Yes, sometimes I do try and knock off a few pounds...but when I try to lose weight..I never do. When I say "fuck it, I'm just gonna have to be fat" and just stop "dieting" I guess you could call it...I loose weight. ESPECIALLY if I'm stressed about something. I feel like the only times I think dieting and loosing weight is when I'm bored and lonely. Other than that...when I'm at school and in the routine of things...I don't think about dieting. I just eat whenever I get hungry. I eat lunch with Christina like everyday and then dinner is always with Matt..I'm not restricting or anything. I think that I just burn more calories because I'm always anxious and I feel like I'm running a marathon when I'm sitting completely still so my body just burns everything I give it. Yes, I definitely eat healthy all the time...but I'm not skipping meals. Even if it's a little meal, I'll still eat because I know I need it. Its hard to then gain the weight back, because of course I'm going to love the "high" of loosing weight and feeling thinner. I always LOVE the feeling of being hungry! It's really messed up and I know that's the eating disorder thinking...but I can't sit here and say I don't like loosing weight because I'd be lying. So that's why its harder to gain it back. Dad was like "gain the weight back" so nonchalantly. He KNOWS it isn't easy esp after everything we've been through and yet he still acts like it's just no big deal. I wish my parents would understand. I wish they'd actually be willing to be there for me rather than come down on me, but NO. I'll never get that full support I need from them! They will never understand me nor understand what I go through on a daily basis. I wish they could just see how much of a struggle it is for me on a regular day. They just want to always come down on me which then makes me more depressed, then makes me want to restrict even more. I just don't understand why they turn "concern" into anger and very mad at me. It makes me feel like such an awful person and like I'm doing something wrong rather than I'm just really struggling to accept myself and love myself for me. I'm just struggling with internal battles about not hating my every bone and cell in my body. When they get mad it makes me just hate myself 10x's more than before because I feel like such a burden to them. I know I've hurt them and taken years off their life with all the stress I've caused them. I can't help the fact I still struggle and still need support. I just don't know how to tell them how to act around me...even if I knew they WOULD listen to me. It's hard to deal with because I always have to pretend like everything is perfect in my life. I can never show my emotions around them because they get mad at me. It sucks. Really bad.