I had a great weekend. Saturday I went with my mom to some dog place to get our dogs certified to be therapy dogs, neither one passed though. I knew shroomy wouldn't...she is just to scared of everything, and gina wouldn't "down" in the grass. She's a prissy pot and hates the grass so she failed because she wouldn't lay down in the grass. It was fun though and I got some good laughs at the dogs. I enjoyed being with mom. We ended up going to Panera for lunch and then went shopping. I love my Saturday's with her. We just have so much fun together and its nice to spend time with her one-on-one. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my mom!
Later Saturday I went to see Matt. We went out to dinner which was fun! We just hung out at his place the rest of the night and watched a movie. It was relaxing and fun.
Yesterday mom brought the dogs on campus for more "socialization" haha. Since they failed (well shroomy failed) the "meet a stranger" part of the test. She did well yesterday. She wasn't as scared of everything. But it was fun as always seeing her reactions to new things. She is such a spaz. Then the rest of the day was dedicated to sports. All Matt's teams played yesterday afternoon. At least they won so he was in a good mood...thank god! I hate when he gets pissed off at the game and then treats me like I was the one who made um lose. Yesterday was a good day though! :-)
Last night...on the other hand...was not so great. I just always feel like I'm bugging him, making him mad, making him not like me anymore, I just really feel like he is so annoyed and sick of me. I feel like something that is totally fine one day the next day will piss him off. The only reason this would happen is because he is loosing feelings for me. I honestly feel like I'm on a different level as far as feelings go. He has always said he was further than me...but I def feel like I am way further in how I feel about him than he me. It sucks, I know how he felt for awhile...and now it just really sucks. I don't feel like ever since our first big break up back in March 2010, we have been as close. Or really him to me. I mean that January, we were looking at fricking engagement rings just because even though we knew it wouldn't happen for years down the road. But I could just sense he was so into me, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he would do anything and everything for me, he cared about my feelings, he cared if something bothered me, he tried to always hug me, tell me things would be okay, he really just honestly cared about my well-being and what was best for me. I just sensed he had a genuine interest in me and now I feel like yes he cares, yes he loves me, but to what extent? I just don't think he loves me as much as he did, and I'm scared he will never love me that much again because of everything we've been through. I feel like everything made me closer to him, made me realize how much I loved him, wanted to be with him, but for him I feel like it just pushed him away, made him put his guard up, and I just feel like he'll never let that down again. I don't feel like he trust me with his feelings, his deep inner emotions/thoughts...and that's something that bothers me. He never opens up to me anymore and I wish he would. Whenever I bring up marriage he never gets excited about it anymore like he used to, he never brings it up, he doesn't really include me in his future and it just really bothers me. Like does he REALLY want to marry me? Does he REALLY want to spend the REST of his life with me?! Will he be okay not talking to other girls and all? Sometimes I feel like he wants to be single again just to see what else is out there because I'm not good enough and he wonders what else he could have! I think he really is debating about us and if we are right for each other. I just don't sense the intense love anymore he used to have for me, I just really think he wants to see what else is out there...and if there's nothing, then I feel like he will settle for me. Maybe I'm not good enough for him...but I sure try my hardest to make him happy and hope one day he won't want other girls. I just remember before March 2010...he wouldn't even comment on other girls, his mom told me he was so in love me with..he would never say someone else was hott or put himself in any situation that would make me mad (especially when he was home). But now...I don't think he still feels that way. I wish so badly he still loved me how he did! I am trying so hard to make him happy and want me, and only me, forever and ever, and I just hope one day he will!
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