I am really lost right now. I feel like so confused about my relationship. I've honestly never felt this way before with Matt. I joke alot about him being with other girls, looking at other girls, talking to other girls, etc. I mean yes, I do ask some questions about girls seriously because I do get concerned...and rightfully so, I mean he did almost cheat the other weekend...but honestly 1/2 the time I'm joking. He jokes with me about it also..maybe not as much, but he sure has in the past where in the past I didn't. SO..my point is this. Last night he really got mad at me AGAIN about it. Its fine if it is annoying him, it would me to..but at the same time..its just because I'm paranoid about losing him. I love him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him and yet I don't feel like he feels the same. I just am honestly scared he is going to realize how pathetic I am, what a looser I am, and how awful of a gf I am and find someone else. I feel like he is begining to see what a low life I really am and that's why he is backing off alittle. I really feel like he is distancing himself from me, and its not just me that thinks/see's this..my sister has noticed it as well. I don't know if he is purposely doing this or its something that is just happening because his feelings are begining to fade. He gets annoyed and bothered when I tell him how I feel so I have to vent all this here. I am concerned yes, but I think he would be also if I almost cheated just two weeks ago! I really don't feel like I'm over-reacting, or being paranoid about nothing here. I think anyone that is madly in love with someone and that person hurt them by almost cheating would be scared to! I know if it were reversed he would be questioning me as well. I don't talk to him about why I question him alot because I don't want to "throw it in his face" about almost kissing Nida. I just hope that this Thanksgiving goes well and he isn't short and rude to me. It really bothers me when he says I'm pushing him away by questioning him and all. I don't feel like that would push someone away, if I had one person in my life that cared about me as much as I care about Matt...my gosh it'd make me so happy! I'd feel like my life was complete.
I'm going home today for Thanksgiving break. I am so excited. I need to just be with my family and relax and hopefully that will get my mind off everything, at least I hope and pray it does. I am looking so forward to just hanging out at home with mom, christina, and dad, and of course the doggies. :-) I just hope we all get along and nothing bad happens...and dad doesn't say anything about my weight and eating. I can tell when he looks at me now he is thinking how "skinny" I am in his eyes. I'm not really that skinny...but he looks at me and I just can tell he is thinking "she isn't eating." So..I just hope everything goes smoothly with that. Other than that...just hope my parents get along and everyone is happy! :-) I just have 3 hours of work and accounting before my break starts!!! I am soo excited to get outta here and just get home!
This song came on while I was typing all this...it's perfect! Listen to it. It's exactly how I feel!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment