I saw Lynda today because I felt like since I had such a bad weekend I needed some support. I've been really down and just depressed lately so I wanted to see her and get some feedback as to WHY this is happening. She could only meet with me for 20 minutes (well 30, but by the time I got in there and all) and so I gave her the run down of my feelings/thoughts. She thinks me going home after I graduate in December is a bad thing, which I know it is. I guess my thing is, why pay for an apartment when 1. I don't want to live alone. and 2. I'll be at Matt's every night until at least 9, so why throw all that money away when I have a place to lay my head at night. I think it's just the whole "living at home" thing makes me always relapse. It's just everything from being in my room, waking up at home, seeing my dad analyze me on a daily basis, having my parents just micro-manage me and my food intake (they always watch everything I put in my mouth), they like to ask me a million questions when I'm home, they try to tell me how to run my life. But when I'm on campus, they never even call me. I really don't understand it at ALL! When I'm home they treat me like I'm a 16 year old anorexic again that is literally dying and they feel the need to step in with every move because they don't think I can handle anything because "my brain isn't functioning properly" but when I'm on campus they treat me like I'm an adult that isn't even related to them. THEY NEVER EVEN CALL ME!!! It pisses me off. Also, when I'm home I have to see them interact with each other and see all the dysfunction and chaos in our house. It gets so annoying. Also when I'm home, I'm never allowed to be anything but happy and hyper and excited about life. If I am having a "blah" day they think my world is crashing down, they get so concerned and "worried" about me and they think I'm just falling back into my eating disorder all over again. I am just not allowed to be anything by happy. Lynda said part of the depression/anxiety/sadness is because the people I'm closest to and who love me the most, I'm not even allowed to be open and honest with my deepest feelings. It really makes me sad to think about. I almost started crying in her office because that is seriously one of things that really hurts me the most. I can never tell anyone how I feel, I always keep everything so bottled up inside and it really kills me. I think that's why leaving HPU is so scary also because I can tell Lynda all these things and in a few weeks I won't have her anymore. I can't imagine this insainity and no outlet. I don't know what is going to happen. I really don't.
As far as jobs go, nothing yet. I've applied for so many things online. I've met with people, had phone conversations and nothing has come about so far. It is really frustrating me. I hate this internet thing when it comes to jobs. I want to be able to go in someplace, meet someone, show them who I am and tell them WHY they should hire me. I hate just posting my resume online somewhere not even knowing if a person is going to see it or not. How personal is that? Ugh it's frustrating and I don't understand it. If I were hiring people, I would def not have this whole "online" thing. People can lie all they want, but if you get them in face-to-face you'll really see who people are behind this computer screen.
I am going to work shortly which by the way is going well. I had my "review" from my supervisor and her boss this Tuesday and they had all great things to say about me. It was nice to hear positive feedback. I am always freaking out that they don't like me and I don't do a good job at anything. I feel like sometimes I'm useless, but they reassured me I'm not and I do a good job! Best news of the week! :-)
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