Home

I'm anxious about going home (as always) and I'm just so ready. Its a weird mixed feeling. I want to go home because I just need my family and dogs right now and just to be surrounded by people who I know love me and care about me. I need to just get my mind off things and unwind alittle. Playing with my dogs, drinking coffee with mom and christina in the mornings, just listening to music, talking with dad, those things always make me feel better. I need to get off HPU's campus for alittle while. I need a break of everything. I'm so sick of everything here and I need to leave before I snap. I then again, don't want to go home because the fear of food. I HATE eating dinners at my house. I hate eating in front of my parents. I feel like they ALWAYS judge me and make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I will probably just schedule things to do at night so I can leave the house. Christina will be there so we will do stuff I'm sure. I'm really excited to spend time with her. We always laugh and joke and just have such a good time together. Something I really need. I need her badly! She always brings me back down to a sane level. Right now I'm a ball of emotions that has been contained for so long I'm about to burst. I honestly feel like a balloon that has been blowing up with more air ever since probably a month ago, I feel like there can't possibly be room for more air...but then another day goes by and someone else fills it more. I'm really at the popping point today!

I am so glad today is Friday. I don't know if I could handle ANOTHER day of work tomorrow. And classes, and all that. I need a break. I'm going home tomorrow morning to help my mom take our dogs to "Dog Gone Fun" where they will try to get their "good citizin's award" which means they can go into nursing homes and other places to be therapy dogs. The one will get it, but Shroomy...the baby, there's NO chance she will get it! Haha. She is scared of everything still and extremely shy. It will be a good laugh though, that's why I'm going...and to support my mom. She really gets into this dog thing and it's become her second hobby...so I will go and be moral support for her!

My weight has dropped alittle bit this week. I have actually eaten more this week (or tried to) but idk...getting my weight back up isn't my number one priority right now. Getting through each day is my number one priority. Speaking of weight/eating/and all...it REALLY, I mean REALLY bugs me when someone who knows I have an eating disorder stares at what I'm eating. Like yesterday I was walking out from the caf with a to-go box of lettuce and cucumbers basically and someone who knew I struggled was starring soo hard at my box of lettuce...like "whats in it?" "Is she actually eating?" "I didn't think anorexics eat?" UGH, that annoys me SO fricking much it isn't even possible to put into words. Yes, anorexics eat...otherwise we'd die in like, days! Do we eat normal? No! But we do eat, and we eat safe foods to us. Am I gonna go and get a hamburger with cheese and double meat patties with chili on it and everything?! Heck no! But yes, I will eat a salad...and sometimes I'll even eat other stuff! WOW! (total sarcasm there). It really pisses me off!!!