Change

As I'm sure you are aware, I'm graduating in about two weeks. I am really anxious about it. I am so excited that I have completed college, gotten a degree, and now I'm moving onto finding a job and being more independent. That is the exciting part, I accomplished one of my goals in life. The scary part is I am moving home, I don't have a job yet (and I hate the unknown), I will be without support from Lynda or anyone, and I just don't have any idea what is next for me. I hate change, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate it more than you can even possible imagine. I am definitely a girl of comfort and not stepping outside my comfort zone. I try to think back and remember I went to college. If I can do that, then I can do anything. College is a HUGE change. I was so excited for it though, I'm not so excited about graduating. I guess if I had a plan then it would make me feel better, but as of right now there is nothing so what is there to be excited about?

I met with Dr. Dansie yesterday. She is "worried" about me. I just love when people tell me that. I am fully aware I do not take care of my body the way I "should" and I don't need you to reiterate that I'm slowly but surely killing myself. That's not exactly something I want to hear. I met with her for the last time. I can't see her anymore since I'm graduating and the school won't pay for her. I could still see her, for 100.00 per HALF hour! How ridiculous. That is an outrageous amount of money for me to pay to see someone who only see's me for literally like 15 minutes and just writes me a prescription. No thanks! She wants me to go see a Doctor regularly and see Lynda in her private practice in Winston. Lynda is only 60.00 per/hr. I could handle that once a month. I only see her now once a month anyways. I just don't like feeling like I'm just being thrown into the ocean and given nothing but weights on my feet and people telling me to just survive. I feel like I'm kicking harder and harder but I'm getting tired and soon I'll just sink. :-( I know it sounds bad, but it's how I honestly feel like now at this point in life. I just feel so alone and like nothing matters anymore. I want to find a job SO bad, I want something to keep me motivated, I want to feel like I have a purpose and like someone/something needs me and relies on me. If I just go home with nothing, I'm going to relapse. I am already struggling so much and fighting just hoping something gives me motivation to stay healthy. I hate how I need stuff like a job, friends, school, things to make me feel motivated. Why can't I just think I'm worth it to not die? I just don't think that way.

I have an interview today! I'm really excited about this one! I just hope it works out. I found out about the position yesterday and applied and already heard back! I am just praying, praying, praying this works out! It would SERIOUSLY be the PERFECT job for me! I hope it goes well!