Thanksgiving

I had the best Thanksgiving I've had in probably 9 years. First off, the food part went well. I didn't freak out as much as I thought I would have. I think it's because I know my weight is pretty low right now so if I DID end up gaining a pound or two I know I won't be "fat." I can easily lose that again when I get back to school. I worked out on Wednesday and Thursday so I felt like that helped alot as well because I haven't been running at school at all. The second reason why it was great was because my family got along, no big arguments, and everyone was happy. It is always nice when everyone's in a good mood and we get along.

Matt and I decided awhile back we would go shopping at midnight on Black Friday. We ended up going to the Tanger Outlets. It was pretty crazy! I didn't expect it to be THAT crazy. I wanted to get my mom a coach purse and the line for coach was wrapped around the entire store...JUST to get IN the store. I would probably STILL be waiting to get in the store if I stood in that line. It was the only disappointing part of the trip. Other stores like Nike had a D.J. in them playing music and all, it was actually pretty cool. I don't know if I'd do it again...it was fun, it was a great experience to say I've done it...but it was crazy. I did find some great deals...so I may do it again lol, who knows. I got home about 3:30 that night, slept for 5 hours...then got up Friday morning and Matt, Christina, and me decorated the house/tree for Christmas. It looks so pretty now! :-) I love our house all decorated. Mom does such a good job picking things out. After that Matt, Christina and I went shopping again around 1:00 to Hanes mall. It wasn't as crowded but still found good deals. Then today...Matt and I went to Four Seasons mall and found some great stuff! I'm pretty shopped out right now, and for me to say that is a big thing. I feel like I've literally seen it all now. I had a great weekend though, it was fun to be with family and Matt.

I'm going back to school tomorrow. It's amazing how fast the break goes. I'm ready to get back though. I need to be productive. I feel like I've done everything I can now and if I stayed home any longer I'd just be bored. I hate being bored! I have a fricking Marketing test on Monday! I can't believe my teacher scheduled a test for Monday after Thanksgiving. UGH it makes me so mad. I have studied some...but still have a ways to go.

I know I've been talking a BUNCH about how Matt doesn't seem as "into" me and as "in love" with me as much as he used to be, well today and yesterday really helped me and eased my nerves alittle about that situation. Yesterday he seemed really into me, was just more "lovable" and he just seemed happier I guess. He was talking to my parents and joking around with them and he wanted to hang out with them. We all watched a movie, he played with my dogs, fed my dogs, took them out, its just the little stuff like that I feel like if he didn't care/love ME...then he sure as heck wouldn't go out of his way to let shroomy out when she wants to go! Then TODAY...we looked at ENGAGEMENT RINGS!!!!!!!!! I was soo fricking excited when he suggested we go look at rings. It seriously shocked me. He has been talking about it will be awhile before we ever get engaged...but today it made it feel real, it made me feel like he is thinking about, it made me so excited. I can't even explain how happy I was. I felt like today he showed me he wanted to be with me. He just acted SOOO much like the old Matt. He didn't seem distant, he didn't seem like he was questioning me, he didn't seem like he was frustrated/annoyed with me...he just seemed like the Matthew I love and the Matthew I fell so hard in love with. I feel so much less anxious and worried. I'm a happy girl tonight. :-D

My Head is Going to EXPLODE!

I have tried to ignore and put aside all these thoughts and feelings because Matt gets mad when I bring it up...but I just feel like Matt doesn't think about me the same anymore. I feel like all day I've been texting him (he is at home for Thanksgiving) and I just feel like he is short with me, won't text me back for a long time, won't ask ME any questions...then tonight was just the topping of it all. He told me that he was watching the game so he couldn't talk (on facebook). I asked what game and it wasn't even a Carolina game. It just really put into perspective how he thinks about me. He doesn't want to even talk to me, ask about my day, find out what I did etc...he wants to watch a team, Duke, play. He hates duke. But yet he wants to watch something he hates over talking to me...wow! He must really not want to talk to me. It just bothers me soo much and I can't tell anymore because if I share it with my parents, well they will go back to not liking him and we all know how that goes...horrible! And Christina doesn't really understand...plus she hasn't even been home much, and well, that's pretty much it for people I'd talk to about it. I just hate this feeling of him not loving me/caring about me. I just really hate it soooo soooo much. I want things back to normal. I don't think I'm freaking myself out, I don't think I have no reason to not think this, I feel like I have valid points and he just thinks i'm blowing smoke pretty much. UGHHH!!!!! This just makes me so sad!

My grandmom feel on her face today and had to be rushed to the hospital. She was walking down the hallway and just lost her balance and completely feel flat on her face. My dad went to be with her..they did x-ray's and nothing was broken. Her face looks like it was just completely beaten up with a baseball bat, and her wrist is really swollen. It breaks my dad's heart to see her in that condition. He gets so many calls about her each week, and he doesn't feel like she will be around much longer. :-( It makes me feel guilty I haven't seen her in literally years when she lives right down the road basically. I just don't want to see her in that condition, I want to remember her as the vibrant, young, alert, active, talkative, grandmother that was always trying to give me orange soda and sugar by the tablespoons when I had the hiccups. I hate, I mean despise, seeing people I love in bad condition. Seeing my Grandad die of lung cancer was awful...I still remember him laying in that hospital bed with no hair, pale, and couldn't even hold a necklace in his hands he was so weak. That's NOT how I want to remember my grandparents.

Tomorrow I'm helping mom cook thanksgiving dinner. I'm excited actually to be with her and learn some of her recipes and traditions. I am not looking forward to eating a huge meal, but we all know why! It should be really fun though. Ginger and Gregg are coming, Grandmom is coming, and Matt will be here. I can't wait to spend time with everyone. I haven't seen Ginger and Gregg in forever. Tomorrow night Matt and I are going shopping at midnight...yup with all the crazy people who act like there will be no more xmas presents left after that night. We are doing it just to say we have done it. I'm excited about it..but at the same time...I love my sleep! I'm gonna be so tired tomorrow night...I just know it and I'm not gonna wanna go. I think Matt and I should just go to target and call it a night lol.

Being home has been so nice. I know it's only been like 24 hours..but it has been so relaxing. I need a break. My stupid Marketing teacher decided we should have a test on Monday though, so I have to study this weekend which SUCKS! And I have Accounting homework. What are these teachers thinking?! Obviously they AREN'T thinking!

Dad and I were talking today about my future. He thinks I should go ahead and get my MBA, or just work for him. I just wanna work honestly...I need a break from school maybe one day I'll go back and get my MBA! The classes seem really interesting though. I'd really enjoy them! We will see where and what happens to me in the next few weeks!

Lost

I am really lost right now. I feel like so confused about my relationship. I've honestly never felt this way before with Matt. I joke alot about him being with other girls, looking at other girls, talking to other girls, etc. I mean yes, I do ask some questions about girls seriously because I do get concerned...and rightfully so, I mean he did almost cheat the other weekend...but honestly 1/2 the time I'm joking. He jokes with me about it also..maybe not as much, but he sure has in the past where in the past I didn't. SO..my point is this. Last night he really got mad at me AGAIN about it. Its fine if it is annoying him, it would me to..but at the same time..its just because I'm paranoid about losing him. I love him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him and yet I don't feel like he feels the same. I just am honestly scared he is going to realize how pathetic I am, what a looser I am, and how awful of a gf I am and find someone else. I feel like he is begining to see what a low life I really am and that's why he is backing off alittle. I really feel like he is distancing himself from me, and its not just me that thinks/see's this..my sister has noticed it as well. I don't know if he is purposely doing this or its something that is just happening because his feelings are begining to fade. He gets annoyed and bothered when I tell him how I feel so I have to vent all this here. I am concerned yes, but I think he would be also if I almost cheated just two weeks ago! I really don't feel like I'm over-reacting, or being paranoid about nothing here. I think anyone that is madly in love with someone and that person hurt them by almost cheating would be scared to! I know if it were reversed he would be questioning me as well. I don't talk to him about why I question him alot because I don't want to "throw it in his face" about almost kissing Nida. I just hope that this Thanksgiving goes well and he isn't short and rude to me. It really bothers me when he says I'm pushing him away by questioning him and all. I don't feel like that would push someone away, if I had one person in my life that cared about me as much as I care about Matt...my gosh it'd make me so happy! I'd feel like my life was complete.

I'm going home today for Thanksgiving break. I am so excited. I need to just be with my family and relax and hopefully that will get my mind off everything, at least I hope and pray it does. I am looking so forward to just hanging out at home with mom, christina, and dad, and of course the doggies. :-) I just hope we all get along and nothing bad happens...and dad doesn't say anything about my weight and eating. I can tell when he looks at me now he is thinking how "skinny" I am in his eyes. I'm not really that skinny...but he looks at me and I just can tell he is thinking "she isn't eating." So..I just hope everything goes smoothly with that. Other than that...just hope my parents get along and everyone is happy! :-) I just have 3 hours of work and accounting before my break starts!!! I am soo excited to get outta here and just get home!

This song came on while I was typing all this...it's perfect! Listen to it. It's exactly how I feel!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6b98P6xSEls

GRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

akdlf;adk jflk a;lejr;klajdf;kldj ;lskjd f;klajsd;lfk ads;lfja;lskdfj ;asldjfkl;sdj fk;ladsj f;lkasj;ldksjf;klajds f;lkdjf;kldaj ds;lfkjds;lkfaj ds;fkjadsa

That's how I feel right now!!!!!!!!!!!

I seriously want to scream and punch someone!!!!!!!!!

Unsure About His Feelings

   I had a great weekend. Saturday I went with my mom to some dog place to get our dogs certified to be therapy dogs, neither one passed though. I knew shroomy wouldn't...she is just to scared of everything, and gina wouldn't "down" in the grass. She's a prissy pot and hates the grass so she failed because she wouldn't lay down in the grass. It was fun though and I got some good laughs at the dogs. I enjoyed being with mom. We ended up going to Panera for lunch and then went shopping. I love my Saturday's with her. We just have so much fun together and its nice to spend time with her one-on-one. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my mom!
   Later Saturday I went to see Matt. We went out to dinner which was fun! We just hung out at his place the rest of the night and watched a movie. It was relaxing and fun.
   Yesterday mom brought the dogs on campus for more "socialization" haha. Since they failed (well shroomy failed) the "meet a stranger" part of the test. She did well yesterday. She wasn't as scared of everything. But it was fun as always seeing her reactions to new things. She is such a spaz. Then the rest of the day was dedicated to sports. All Matt's teams played yesterday afternoon. At least they won so he was in a good mood...thank god! I hate when he gets pissed off at the game and then treats me like I was the one who made um lose. Yesterday was a good day though! :-)
    Last night...on the other hand...was not so great. I just always feel like I'm bugging him, making him mad, making him not like me anymore, I just really feel like he is so annoyed and sick of me. I feel like something that is totally fine one day the next day will piss him off. The only reason this would happen is because he is loosing feelings for me. I honestly feel like I'm on a different level as far as feelings go. He has always said he was further than me...but I def feel like I am way further in how I feel about him than he me. It sucks, I know how he felt for awhile...and now it just really sucks. I don't feel like ever since our first big break up back in March 2010, we have been as close. Or really him to me. I mean that January, we were looking at fricking engagement rings just because even though we knew it wouldn't happen for years down the road. But I could just sense he was so into me, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he would do anything and everything for me, he cared about my feelings, he cared if something bothered me, he tried to always hug me, tell me things would be okay, he really just honestly cared about my well-being and what was best for me. I just sensed he had a genuine interest in me and now I feel like yes he cares, yes he loves me, but to what extent? I just don't think he loves me as much as he did, and I'm scared he will never love me that much again because of everything we've been through. I feel like everything made me closer to him, made me realize how much I loved him, wanted to be with him, but for him I feel like it just pushed him away, made him put his guard up, and I just feel like he'll never let that down again. I don't feel like he trust me with his feelings, his deep inner emotions/thoughts...and that's something that bothers me. He never opens up to me anymore and I wish he would. Whenever I bring up marriage he never gets excited about it anymore like he used to, he never brings it up, he doesn't really include me in his future and it just really bothers me. Like does he REALLY want to marry me? Does he REALLY want to spend the REST of his life with me?! Will he be okay not talking to other girls and all? Sometimes I feel like he wants to be single again just to see what else is out there because I'm not good enough and he wonders what else he could have! I think he really is debating about us and if we are right for each other. I just don't sense the intense love anymore he used to have for me, I just really think he wants to see what else is out there...and if there's nothing, then I feel like he will settle for me. Maybe I'm not good enough for him...but I sure try my hardest to make him happy and hope one day he won't want other girls. I just remember before March 2010...he wouldn't even comment on other girls, his mom told me he was so in love me with..he would never say someone else was hott or put himself in any situation that would make me mad (especially when he was home). But now...I don't think he still feels that way. I wish so badly he still loved me how he did! I am trying so hard to make him happy and want me, and only me, forever and ever, and I just hope one day he will!

Home

I'm anxious about going home (as always) and I'm just so ready. Its a weird mixed feeling. I want to go home because I just need my family and dogs right now and just to be surrounded by people who I know love me and care about me. I need to just get my mind off things and unwind alittle. Playing with my dogs, drinking coffee with mom and christina in the mornings, just listening to music, talking with dad, those things always make me feel better. I need to get off HPU's campus for alittle while. I need a break of everything. I'm so sick of everything here and I need to leave before I snap. I then again, don't want to go home because the fear of food. I HATE eating dinners at my house. I hate eating in front of my parents. I feel like they ALWAYS judge me and make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I will probably just schedule things to do at night so I can leave the house. Christina will be there so we will do stuff I'm sure. I'm really excited to spend time with her. We always laugh and joke and just have such a good time together. Something I really need. I need her badly! She always brings me back down to a sane level. Right now I'm a ball of emotions that has been contained for so long I'm about to burst. I honestly feel like a balloon that has been blowing up with more air ever since probably a month ago, I feel like there can't possibly be room for more air...but then another day goes by and someone else fills it more. I'm really at the popping point today!

I am so glad today is Friday. I don't know if I could handle ANOTHER day of work tomorrow. And classes, and all that. I need a break. I'm going home tomorrow morning to help my mom take our dogs to "Dog Gone Fun" where they will try to get their "good citizin's award" which means they can go into nursing homes and other places to be therapy dogs. The one will get it, but Shroomy...the baby, there's NO chance she will get it! Haha. She is scared of everything still and extremely shy. It will be a good laugh though, that's why I'm going...and to support my mom. She really gets into this dog thing and it's become her second hobby...so I will go and be moral support for her!

My weight has dropped alittle bit this week. I have actually eaten more this week (or tried to) but idk...getting my weight back up isn't my number one priority right now. Getting through each day is my number one priority. Speaking of weight/eating/and all...it REALLY, I mean REALLY bugs me when someone who knows I have an eating disorder stares at what I'm eating. Like yesterday I was walking out from the caf with a to-go box of lettuce and cucumbers basically and someone who knew I struggled was starring soo hard at my box of lettuce...like "whats in it?" "Is she actually eating?" "I didn't think anorexics eat?" UGH, that annoys me SO fricking much it isn't even possible to put into words. Yes, anorexics eat...otherwise we'd die in like, days! Do we eat normal? No! But we do eat, and we eat safe foods to us. Am I gonna go and get a hamburger with cheese and double meat patties with chili on it and everything?! Heck no! But yes, I will eat a salad...and sometimes I'll even eat other stuff! WOW! (total sarcasm there). It really pisses me off!!!

RAGE

Something happened Saturday night (I can't say exactly what) but it is making really go crazy. I hate it, I can't stand it, I want to punch someone, I want to throw my body against a wall to wake up and hope this is a dream, I knew it would happen and yet I feel sooo stupid for allowing it to. I just KNEW one day this day would come. I have so much hate, anger, sadness, regret, hurt, shock, madness, and so many other things inside me that need to come out. Needless to say...the treadmill got a huge beating today. Ran so long and so hard...and yet I still don't feel like any of that energy is released. I'm just so mad at myself because this is just seriously the icing on the cake (which I've been building for years) and it just breaks me down and it really has destroyed me today. I can't even get out my thoughts about it because they are so jumbled up in my head but mainly my heart is hurting. I should always listen to my intuition...I'm NEVER wrong when it comes to stuff like this, never! Whenever I doubt something...there's a good darn reason why I do! I am just furious and extremely hurt! I honestly don't know how to handle this either because in times past when this stuff has happened...it never has turned out well for me.

GIANT LEGS!

This weekend was pretty hard for me. Matt and I hung out with Christina and Zach Saturday night. It was one of our friends Birthday's so we all hung out. Me and Zach started talking and I'm not exactly sure how weight got brought up...he was saying something about size and all. I said to him, "I'm not to skinny am I?" And he replied, "No! You've got some legs on you!" I was like "What?!" and then he repeated himself. Matt was standing behind me saying, "Don't say that to her, please stop!" He just continued calling me big basically. I was so shocked. I was crushed honestly. I felt like this weekend I'd finally gotten to my "goal weight." I guess you could call it. I didn't want to lose anymore because I don't want to end up back in IP. I felt actually thin. But wow was that crushed in a second. Now I feel huge and disgusting. I feel so self-conscious about my legs. All I want to do is wear baggy sweats and a hoodie. I hate this feeling. I was so upset the entire rest of the night I literally didn't say another word. I just sat there and stared off into blank space. Christina knew something was wrong, but she just thought it was cuz Nida was taking all her attention so we didn't get to hang out at all. Then Sunday all I could think about was the comment, what'd it mean? What is the solution? Was he being serious? What can I do to shrink my legs? How can I lose weight? Etc...

Well, here it is Tuesday morning...and I'm still thinking about it. I still wonder if my legs really are that big!? I know they are big and out of proportion with the rest of my body...but are they really THAT big?! I mean do people look at me and think, "WOW! She has big fat legs?!" I keep looking at them and they look huge to me! UGH!!!

November 10, 2011

I saw Lynda today because I felt like since I had such a bad weekend I needed some support. I've been really down and just depressed lately so I wanted to see her and get some feedback as to WHY this is happening. She could only meet with me for 20 minutes (well 30, but by the time I got in there and all) and so I gave her the run down of my feelings/thoughts. She thinks me going home after I graduate in December is a bad thing, which I know it is. I guess my thing is, why pay for an apartment when 1. I don't want to live alone. and 2. I'll be at Matt's every night until at least 9, so why throw all that money away when I have a place to lay my head at night. I think it's just the whole "living at home" thing makes me always relapse. It's just everything from being in my room, waking up at home, seeing my dad analyze me on a daily basis, having my parents just micro-manage me and my food intake (they always watch everything I put in my mouth), they like to ask me a million questions when I'm home, they try to tell me how to run my life. But when I'm on campus, they never even call me. I really don't understand it at ALL! When I'm home they treat me like I'm a 16 year old anorexic again that is literally dying and they feel the need to step in with every move because they don't think I can handle anything because "my brain isn't functioning properly" but when I'm on campus they treat me like I'm an adult that isn't even related to them. THEY NEVER EVEN CALL ME!!! It pisses me off. Also, when I'm home I have to see them interact with each other and see all the dysfunction and chaos in our house. It gets so annoying. Also when I'm home, I'm never allowed to be anything but happy and hyper and excited about life. If I am having a "blah" day they think my world is crashing down, they get so concerned and "worried" about me and they think I'm just falling back into my eating disorder all over again. I am just not allowed to be anything by happy. Lynda said part of the depression/anxiety/sadness is because the people I'm closest to and who love me the most, I'm not even allowed to be open and honest with my deepest feelings. It really makes me sad to think about. I almost started crying in her office because that is seriously one of things that really hurts me the most. I can never tell anyone how I feel, I always keep everything so bottled up inside and it really kills me. I think that's why leaving HPU is so scary also because I can tell Lynda all these things and in a few weeks I won't have her anymore. I can't imagine this insainity and no outlet. I don't know what is going to happen. I really don't.

As far as jobs go, nothing yet. I've applied for so many things online. I've met with people, had phone conversations and nothing has come about so far. It is really frustrating me. I hate this internet thing when it comes to jobs. I want to be able to go in someplace, meet someone, show them who I am and tell them WHY they should hire me. I hate just posting my resume online somewhere not even knowing if a person is going to see it or not. How personal is that? Ugh it's frustrating and I don't understand it. If I were hiring people, I would def not have this whole "online" thing. People can lie all they want, but if you get them in face-to-face you'll really see who people are behind this computer screen.

I am going to work shortly which by the way is going well. I had my "review" from my supervisor and her boss this Tuesday and they had all great things to say about me. It was nice to hear positive feedback. I am always freaking out that they don't like me and I don't do a good job at anything. I feel like sometimes I'm useless, but they reassured me I'm not and I do a good job! Best news of the week! :-)

Annoyed

Last night I tried talking to Matt about someones story of, I guess you could call it, hardship? I explained to him this person's story of how they got into drugs and came through it and gave the glory to God. He just gets so defensive about it. He was like "is this another one of your friends that got into drugs and are all better now and now they are posting it to the world on facebook?!" He was very sarcastic about it. I explained to him what happened and all and he just goes on to tell me how he doesn't feel bad for anyone who gets into drugs because they ultimately chose to do it the first time. Which yes, that is true but I still feel bad for someone who is addicted to something. In this case it started by pills to enhance performance given to him by his coach. This is someone he trusted and knew really well...how could he have known that one drug would have lead him to cocaine and other things? Then Matt said that the guy on sports center he felt bad for...why?! Because he was a sport person! Anything to do with sports Matt thinks is the greatest. I'm pretty sure if ESPN was to tell people to go use heroin Matt would do it. That's how much in love he is with ESPN and sports. It makes me really angry though because I never talk to him about anything anymore because I never get any sort of positive response with him. All he wants to talk about is work or sports. Like seriously that is IT! He never asks how I'm doing, what I did that day, how I am just overall, or anything! He doesn't even care. I honestly feel like he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He has just no interest in me what so ever. I really don't know why it changed. But he seems very content just being who he is and not caring about anything but what he wants. He'd be fine without me because he'd work all day and watch sports at night. Why does he need me in his life then? Why does anyone need me in their life? I guess I don't understand the urge to walk in the door and turn the TV on to check a score like its just this huge event! I don't understand it at all! He says that all guys are like that...well I'm sorry, he is wrong! Not all guys are like that. Yes there are guys who watch sports, but do they have their lives revolve around it? No! They actually care about their family and friends as well. It really scares me how into the games he gets. Like he just gets in a zone that is very unhealhty and not natural. It just really bothers me, and he doesn't care one bit!!!

I had another pretty boring weekend. I was sick kinda still on Friday night so I just relaxed and did nothing, but Saturday I felt really good and wanted to actually do something...but Matt of course didn't. He had to work Saturday so I didn't see him until 2:00 anyways, but after that he just slept all day and watched football. I wanted to do something that night, like go out, because I only have a few weekends left at school to do things like that before I'm back home and it just becomes a hassle with driving and all that...but no Matt wanted to stay in. So we did. Then yesterday was just basically for studying. So..needless to say..another weekend wasted at HPU. I might as well just move home now because it's not like I'm getting anything out of living on campus. Christina is gone alot or she is with Zach and they just do things together (which is good, I'm happy for her) but still I end up alone alot and it's no fun!

Mom and dad are "worried" about me again. They think I'm "noticeable" thinner. Well DUH, I've lost weight but I'm not a just bones walking around. I could afford to lose another 10 pounds and be fine. No one would even notice. My parents just always stare me down and notice every pound I lose or gain. Everyone else though would just think nothing. It's not like they'd even look at me and be like, "She is too thin." No one's ever said that to me except my parents and sister..which makes me not believe them! If I really were "too thin" other people would say stuff to. So, I dont care nor am I listening to them about gaining weight back! I don't want to so I'm not! They don't care about anything else in my life except what I weigh so why should I all the sudden think they are just SOO concerned and I should evaluate myself? No!!! Not happening!!!

Does He Care?

This has been bothering me all morning:

Last night Matt and I were watching Seven Pounds. If you aren't familiar with the ending the main character (Will Smith) kills himself by putting jelly fish in the ice cold bath water and he gets in. Matt said some comment about how he wanted a jelly fish or something and I just said, well if I kill myself I'm just going to take a bunch of pills. He was like "Sarah, stop!" I proceeded to tell him that I often think of suicide and how I would go about it if I ever did go through it (NOT THAT I WOULD!!!) but when I'm really depressed and in that mindset, I really think the world would be better off without me. Anyways, that's a whole other posting. What really made me hurt, I guess is the word, is that all he said was "Well, don't think those things." I was shocked, here his girlfriend, the one he supposedly LOVES and cares about SOO much is talking about killing herself and all he has to say is "Don't think about it." I let it go because I figured maybe he was just tired or something and would bring it up this morning...but nope he didn't. Then, this morning my ex sent me a chat on facebook telling me how he has a really bad disease and is undergoing chemotherapy/radiation and all this stuff. Being the nice, honest, sweet girlfriend I am..I told Matt I was talking to him because I don't want to hide anything from Matt or make him feel like I'm going behind his back. I told Matt what he said about how he is sick and all. All Matt could say was "well I'm sure you are going to just talk to him all morning." "He is only telling you because he wants you to feel sorry for him and then you'll give him attention." Then after I said, "Matt wow, you are being ridiculous. He has cancer/a disease that could take his life and all he wants is prayers!" He said, "Well what kind of cancer is it?!" I told him and then explained what happens in the body, and he said, "Well is it caused by smoking?" He knows Tyler smoked and probably was thinking "well he brought it on himself." Well, no it wasn't caused by smoking and even if it was it is still very painful for someone to go through something like that. I watched my granddad die from lung cancer that was directly related to smoking. I saw him go through everything. It is heartbreaking. He fought that cancer so hard and I'll never forget the last days of his life he couldn't even talk but yet he looked at me and mom said he was saying he loved me through his eyes. He adored my sister and I, especially me! It is sooo difficult to watch someone go through something like this and until Matt sees it first hand, he won't understand the pain and suffering that these people endure. Chemo is such a strong drug and once it enters your system, you have nothing left. Granddad would be so sick, he was so weak, so tired, he wasn't himself anymore, and Matt doesn't even care. He can be so cold hearted sometimes. I know he doesn't like Tyler, but you still should have sympathy for someone. My gosh!

Anyways, soo...getting to my point (I know this is long) but I really just found it so interesting that when I told Matt last night about me thinking I should kill myself, he had pretty much nothing to say. He didn't care, he didnt seem sad, upset, or anything that I was that depressed I thought about it and often (Again, let me emphasize, I am not, nor will I act upon these thoughts). But when I tell him I'm talking to Tyler, he gets so upset, he texts me non-stop about how I'll be talking all morning..he says more to me about him than when I told him last night I wanted to be dead. Why does he care who I talk to if he doesn't care whether I'm dead or alive? I don't understand...and it makes me very angry with him. I don't know if angry is the right word...but I am disappointed he wouldn't care more about me after 3 years of dating I guess. If he told me what I told him, my gosh I'd still be talking to him. I feel like if I told anyone this they would at least say something like, "well please don't kill yourself!" At least I'd hope...but I could be wrong!

Therapy

I always feel so much better after I leave therapy. I don't know why I don't go every week because it honestly makes me feel like I'm not crazy anymore. I saw Lynda today for the first time in probably three months or so. I got alot of my anxiety and worry out about graduating and moving back home. We talked through solutions about how to handle it and all. I also talked about other things that have been bothering me alot recently. It really scares me that I won't be able to see her after December 16th comes around. She is available through her private practice but it is 60.00 per hour. That's really not that bad compared with other people out there. I just don't think my parents would pay for it, well asking for them to pay is probably the problem. I'd feel so guilty asking them to pay for therapy more. They don't know I've seen Lynda the entire time I've been here at school (like all four years). I think they would constantly bug me about how I'm doing or what we talk about etc.. I just am really scared about my future and think having some support would be helpful. I know my parents don't see it that way though.

I'm feeling alot better today (from being sick) which is so nice. I hate being sick. I still get really dizzy when I stand up or get really tired when I have to walk far distances. I think tomorrow I'll be 100% again hopefully.

I don't have any plans for the weekend as of now. Matt has to work tomorrow morning so we probably won't do anything tonight, plus I should probably rest even though sitting in my room the past two days has been pretty much enough rest for me. I can't do much more sitting, I get to bored and restless. I want to do something fun tomorrow night for sure. I don't know what, but I need some fun! Last weekend I didn't do anything because of how sick Matt was so it is due for a fun eventful night/weekend!

My dad is acting like he is mad at me again. He emailed me Tuesday (yes, we email because for some reason my family doesn't ever "talk" about problems, we always email each other) and told me how is "concerned" and "worried" about me because I am loosing weight. He thinks that I am noticeable thinner and have lost quite a bit of weight. He said that I shouldn't use loosing weight as a coping mechanism for the stress of graduating and finding a job. I understand that, but it isn't like I purposely try to lose weight. Yes, sometimes I do try and knock off a few pounds...but when I try to lose weight..I never do. When I say "fuck it, I'm just gonna have to be fat" and just stop "dieting" I guess you could call it...I loose weight. ESPECIALLY if I'm stressed about something. I feel like the only times I think dieting and loosing weight is when I'm bored and lonely. Other than that...when I'm at school and in the routine of things...I don't think about dieting. I just eat whenever I get hungry. I eat lunch with Christina like everyday and then dinner is always with Matt..I'm not restricting or anything. I think that I just burn more calories because I'm always anxious and I feel like I'm running a marathon when I'm sitting completely still so my body just burns everything I give it. Yes, I definitely eat healthy all the time...but I'm not skipping meals. Even if it's a little meal, I'll still eat because I know I need it. Its hard to then gain the weight back, because of course I'm going to love the "high" of loosing weight and feeling thinner. I always LOVE the feeling of being hungry! It's really messed up and I know that's the eating disorder thinking...but I can't sit here and say I don't like loosing weight because I'd be lying. So that's why its harder to gain it back. Dad was like "gain the weight back" so nonchalantly. He KNOWS it isn't easy esp after everything we've been through and yet he still acts like it's just no big deal. I wish my parents would understand. I wish they'd actually be willing to be there for me rather than come down on me, but NO. I'll never get that full support I need from them! They will never understand me nor understand what I go through on a daily basis. I wish they could just see how much of a struggle it is for me on a regular day. They just want to always come down on me which then makes me more depressed, then makes me want to restrict even more. I just don't understand why they turn "concern" into anger and very mad at me. It makes me feel like such an awful person and like I'm doing something wrong rather than I'm just really struggling to accept myself and love myself for me. I'm just struggling with internal battles about not hating my every bone and cell in my body. When they get mad it makes me just hate myself 10x's more than before because I feel like such a burden to them. I know I've hurt them and taken years off their life with all the stress I've caused them. I can't help the fact I still struggle and still need support. I just don't know how to tell them how to act around me...even if I knew they WOULD listen to me. It's hard to deal with because I always have to pretend like everything is perfect in my life. I can never show my emotions around them because they get mad at me. It sucks. Really bad.

Need a Break!

I am so sick today. I haven't been this sick in such a long time. I am just miserable today. Fortunately I didn't have to go into work today. I texted my boss and told her how sick I was and she said it was okay to just rest. I was really worried she would be mad at me and make me come in because I didn't find a replacement. She told us at the beginning of the year we had to find a replacement or we HAD to be at work. I'm just glad she wasn't mad at me. There's no way I could have worked today. Christina is sick also. She has the exact same symptoms that I do. I don't know where we got this but whatever it was it is nasty.

I need a break though from school, work, and life. I am so stressed out. I feel like all my posts are the same thing because everyday is the same ole stuff. Don't get me wrong, I love being here at HPU, I love my job at the campus concierge, I'm just really stressed with school work right now and finding a job. It will all work out with time though.

I'm seeing Lynda tomorrow for the first time in a LONG time. I dont know what exactly to talk about but she wants to see me every month. I know there are things I could/should be working through with her while I can see her and it's free..but then on days that are good I think, "Well why should I even come anymore?" I wish I could still see her after December. I wish SO badly I would have utilized her more and worked harder in therapy working through the issues that still affect me on a daily basis. I have to look at the positive side of all this, I'm going to be a graduate and hopefully employed full time and starting my new life as an adult. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

Accounting is getting really hard. Today in class I was just sitting there so lost at what we were doing. I couldn't even begin to figure out what in the world we were suppose to do or even where to begin. I hate that feeling of being so lost in a subject, esp because we move so fast in class. I need a good grade in this class on our next test...and I'm really worried about it already! It's two weeks away! AGH!

Sick?

I feel like I'm getting sick...again! Matt was sick all last week (like really bad sick) and I am now feeling really tired, my throat hurts and I'm sneezing alot. I really hope I'm not getting what he had because he seemed like he was miserable. I can't just not see him though when he is sick. I needed to take care of my baby! My head is just throbbing right now. All I want to do is nap, but I have to go to work tonight. I wish someone would work for me tomorrow but at this late notice, yea right! No one wanted to work for me last time I was sick...so they probably won't this time. I have gotten sick like 5 times since being back at school. This is so unusual for me. I'm normally sick only 3 times a year at most! I just hate it, it's the worse thing in the world to feel like crap AND still have to go on with life. I need another fall break, I need a week to just chill and relax some. I really am gonna hate working full time and never getting time off. It is really gonna suck. My teacher in finance today even said, "college is the best years of your life, after that it's just downhill." I honestly feel that way. Working full time seems like just agony. I see my parents how stressed they are, how they work even at home and on weekends. Yes, they do own their own business so they have alot of extra stress...but still. They never leave work. Its always lingering over them and always on their mind. It just really seems like life sucks after graduation!

Time is of the Essence

I really can't believe how fast time is flying by this semester. I feel like I JUST moved in my dorm, JUST started training for campus concierge, and I really feel like freshman move in weekend was just yesterday! I can remember every detail about that day (down to what I ate for lunch and dinner). In reality it was almost 3 months ago though. I just can't believe how fast time has gone. I kind of regret not doing more this semester knowing it is my last one here. I wish I had gone out more, I wish I had done more "fun" things rather than working and just going to class and studying. I know in the long run it will benefit me more than if I'd just "had fun" the whole time. I just don't wanna look back one day and think "what if?" about certain things.

This past weekend was Halloween weekend. Everyone on campus basically goes CRAZY! Its kind of scary in a way how much people get into Halloween. I mean it is JUST a holiday that is mainly for kids to just dress up and get candy from their neighbors. I really think people get wayyy to into it. Most people have like three or four different costumes for each night of the weekend. I mean, seriously that is just alil ridiculous if you ask me. I didn't do anything this year because Matt had been sick for 5 days already and finally Friday he went to the Doctor and they didn't know what he had but gave him antibiotics. We (me and his mom lol) decided that he should rest all weekend. We were suppose to go to his house to hear Ric's band play on Sunday night. It was a dress up party type thing...but me and his mom decided he should rest and not drive home. So, we stayed here. We watched movies, hung out, just took it easy. It was actually really nice to not do anything for once. I LOVE being on-the-go and doing things all the time...but this weekend I was actually content doing nothing. Weird.

Sunday night was a minor breakdown for me. Stuff had just been building up and building up. Everything about graduation was just hitting me like a ton of bricks. I had talked to my dad on the phone that night and I know he is trying to help me, which I greatly appreciate, but I just don't want to think about some things SO much. So, I just got all worked up on the phone thinking about my future and just the anxiety of not knowing what was coming in a short amount of time really scares me. BIG TIME! I HATE not knowing things. So much that I beg Matt at the beginning of each fricking day what we are doing that day and night. I just like to know what I'm going to be doing! Also things with my sister were making me feel idk (I really can't put a word to how I feel with her). It just wasn't a settling feeling. I just feel like she isn't making some of the smartest decisions right now, but I know she has to live and learn for herself. She will figure it out. She is a smart and intelligent young women...I just wish sometimes I could slap her across the face and wake her up! She has to figure life out on her own though because she won't listen to anyone about anything. She's a stubborn lil thing. I just wish time would stop for a second so I could figure everything out, get everything in its appropriate place, and just get things back in order, then we can continue with life!