Thanksgiving

I had the best Thanksgiving I've had in probably 9 years. First off, the food part went well. I didn't freak out as much as I thought I would have. I think it's because I know my weight is pretty low right now so if I DID end up gaining a pound or two I know I won't be "fat." I can easily lose that again when I get back to school. I worked out on Wednesday and Thursday so I felt like that helped alot as well because I haven't been running at school at all. The second reason why it was great was because my family got along, no big arguments, and everyone was happy. It is always nice when everyone's in a good mood and we get along.

Matt and I decided awhile back we would go shopping at midnight on Black Friday. We ended up going to the Tanger Outlets. It was pretty crazy! I didn't expect it to be THAT crazy. I wanted to get my mom a coach purse and the line for coach was wrapped around the entire store...JUST to get IN the store. I would probably STILL be waiting to get in the store if I stood in that line. It was the only disappointing part of the trip. Other stores like Nike had a D.J. in them playing music and all, it was actually pretty cool. I don't know if I'd do it again...it was fun, it was a great experience to say I've done it...but it was crazy. I did find some great deals...so I may do it again lol, who knows. I got home about 3:30 that night, slept for 5 hours...then got up Friday morning and Matt, Christina, and me decorated the house/tree for Christmas. It looks so pretty now! :-) I love our house all decorated. Mom does such a good job picking things out. After that Matt, Christina and I went shopping again around 1:00 to Hanes mall. It wasn't as crowded but still found good deals. Then today...Matt and I went to Four Seasons mall and found some great stuff! I'm pretty shopped out right now, and for me to say that is a big thing. I feel like I've literally seen it all now. I had a great weekend though, it was fun to be with family and Matt.

I'm going back to school tomorrow. It's amazing how fast the break goes. I'm ready to get back though. I need to be productive. I feel like I've done everything I can now and if I stayed home any longer I'd just be bored. I hate being bored! I have a fricking Marketing test on Monday! I can't believe my teacher scheduled a test for Monday after Thanksgiving. UGH it makes me so mad. I have studied some...but still have a ways to go.

I know I've been talking a BUNCH about how Matt doesn't seem as "into" me and as "in love" with me as much as he used to be, well today and yesterday really helped me and eased my nerves alittle about that situation. Yesterday he seemed really into me, was just more "lovable" and he just seemed happier I guess. He was talking to my parents and joking around with them and he wanted to hang out with them. We all watched a movie, he played with my dogs, fed my dogs, took them out, its just the little stuff like that I feel like if he didn't care/love ME...then he sure as heck wouldn't go out of his way to let shroomy out when she wants to go! Then TODAY...we looked at ENGAGEMENT RINGS!!!!!!!!! I was soo fricking excited when he suggested we go look at rings. It seriously shocked me. He has been talking about it will be awhile before we ever get engaged...but today it made it feel real, it made me feel like he is thinking about, it made me so excited. I can't even explain how happy I was. I felt like today he showed me he wanted to be with me. He just acted SOOO much like the old Matt. He didn't seem distant, he didn't seem like he was questioning me, he didn't seem like he was frustrated/annoyed with me...he just seemed like the Matthew I love and the Matthew I fell so hard in love with. I feel so much less anxious and worried. I'm a happy girl tonight. :-D

My Head is Going to EXPLODE!

I have tried to ignore and put aside all these thoughts and feelings because Matt gets mad when I bring it up...but I just feel like Matt doesn't think about me the same anymore. I feel like all day I've been texting him (he is at home for Thanksgiving) and I just feel like he is short with me, won't text me back for a long time, won't ask ME any questions...then tonight was just the topping of it all. He told me that he was watching the game so he couldn't talk (on facebook). I asked what game and it wasn't even a Carolina game. It just really put into perspective how he thinks about me. He doesn't want to even talk to me, ask about my day, find out what I did etc...he wants to watch a team, Duke, play. He hates duke. But yet he wants to watch something he hates over talking to me...wow! He must really not want to talk to me. It just bothers me soo much and I can't tell anymore because if I share it with my parents, well they will go back to not liking him and we all know how that goes...horrible! And Christina doesn't really understand...plus she hasn't even been home much, and well, that's pretty much it for people I'd talk to about it. I just hate this feeling of him not loving me/caring about me. I just really hate it soooo soooo much. I want things back to normal. I don't think I'm freaking myself out, I don't think I have no reason to not think this, I feel like I have valid points and he just thinks i'm blowing smoke pretty much. UGHHH!!!!! This just makes me so sad!

My grandmom feel on her face today and had to be rushed to the hospital. She was walking down the hallway and just lost her balance and completely feel flat on her face. My dad went to be with her..they did x-ray's and nothing was broken. Her face looks like it was just completely beaten up with a baseball bat, and her wrist is really swollen. It breaks my dad's heart to see her in that condition. He gets so many calls about her each week, and he doesn't feel like she will be around much longer. :-( It makes me feel guilty I haven't seen her in literally years when she lives right down the road basically. I just don't want to see her in that condition, I want to remember her as the vibrant, young, alert, active, talkative, grandmother that was always trying to give me orange soda and sugar by the tablespoons when I had the hiccups. I hate, I mean despise, seeing people I love in bad condition. Seeing my Grandad die of lung cancer was awful...I still remember him laying in that hospital bed with no hair, pale, and couldn't even hold a necklace in his hands he was so weak. That's NOT how I want to remember my grandparents.

Tomorrow I'm helping mom cook thanksgiving dinner. I'm excited actually to be with her and learn some of her recipes and traditions. I am not looking forward to eating a huge meal, but we all know why! It should be really fun though. Ginger and Gregg are coming, Grandmom is coming, and Matt will be here. I can't wait to spend time with everyone. I haven't seen Ginger and Gregg in forever. Tomorrow night Matt and I are going shopping at midnight...yup with all the crazy people who act like there will be no more xmas presents left after that night. We are doing it just to say we have done it. I'm excited about it..but at the same time...I love my sleep! I'm gonna be so tired tomorrow night...I just know it and I'm not gonna wanna go. I think Matt and I should just go to target and call it a night lol.

Being home has been so nice. I know it's only been like 24 hours..but it has been so relaxing. I need a break. My stupid Marketing teacher decided we should have a test on Monday though, so I have to study this weekend which SUCKS! And I have Accounting homework. What are these teachers thinking?! Obviously they AREN'T thinking!

Dad and I were talking today about my future. He thinks I should go ahead and get my MBA, or just work for him. I just wanna work honestly...I need a break from school maybe one day I'll go back and get my MBA! The classes seem really interesting though. I'd really enjoy them! We will see where and what happens to me in the next few weeks!

Lost

I am really lost right now. I feel like so confused about my relationship. I've honestly never felt this way before with Matt. I joke alot about him being with other girls, looking at other girls, talking to other girls, etc. I mean yes, I do ask some questions about girls seriously because I do get concerned...and rightfully so, I mean he did almost cheat the other weekend...but honestly 1/2 the time I'm joking. He jokes with me about it also..maybe not as much, but he sure has in the past where in the past I didn't. SO..my point is this. Last night he really got mad at me AGAIN about it. Its fine if it is annoying him, it would me to..but at the same time..its just because I'm paranoid about losing him. I love him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him and yet I don't feel like he feels the same. I just am honestly scared he is going to realize how pathetic I am, what a looser I am, and how awful of a gf I am and find someone else. I feel like he is begining to see what a low life I really am and that's why he is backing off alittle. I really feel like he is distancing himself from me, and its not just me that thinks/see's this..my sister has noticed it as well. I don't know if he is purposely doing this or its something that is just happening because his feelings are begining to fade. He gets annoyed and bothered when I tell him how I feel so I have to vent all this here. I am concerned yes, but I think he would be also if I almost cheated just two weeks ago! I really don't feel like I'm over-reacting, or being paranoid about nothing here. I think anyone that is madly in love with someone and that person hurt them by almost cheating would be scared to! I know if it were reversed he would be questioning me as well. I don't talk to him about why I question him alot because I don't want to "throw it in his face" about almost kissing Nida. I just hope that this Thanksgiving goes well and he isn't short and rude to me. It really bothers me when he says I'm pushing him away by questioning him and all. I don't feel like that would push someone away, if I had one person in my life that cared about me as much as I care about Matt...my gosh it'd make me so happy! I'd feel like my life was complete.

I'm going home today for Thanksgiving break. I am so excited. I need to just be with my family and relax and hopefully that will get my mind off everything, at least I hope and pray it does. I am looking so forward to just hanging out at home with mom, christina, and dad, and of course the doggies. :-) I just hope we all get along and nothing bad happens...and dad doesn't say anything about my weight and eating. I can tell when he looks at me now he is thinking how "skinny" I am in his eyes. I'm not really that skinny...but he looks at me and I just can tell he is thinking "she isn't eating." So..I just hope everything goes smoothly with that. Other than that...just hope my parents get along and everyone is happy! :-) I just have 3 hours of work and accounting before my break starts!!! I am soo excited to get outta here and just get home!

This song came on while I was typing all this...it's perfect! Listen to it. It's exactly how I feel!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6b98P6xSEls

GRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

akdlf;adk jflk a;lejr;klajdf;kldj ;lskjd f;klajsd;lfk ads;lfja;lskdfj ;asldjfkl;sdj fk;ladsj f;lkasj;ldksjf;klajds f;lkdjf;kldaj ds;lfkjds;lkfaj ds;fkjadsa

That's how I feel right now!!!!!!!!!!!

I seriously want to scream and punch someone!!!!!!!!!

Unsure About His Feelings

   I had a great weekend. Saturday I went with my mom to some dog place to get our dogs certified to be therapy dogs, neither one passed though. I knew shroomy wouldn't...she is just to scared of everything, and gina wouldn't "down" in the grass. She's a prissy pot and hates the grass so she failed because she wouldn't lay down in the grass. It was fun though and I got some good laughs at the dogs. I enjoyed being with mom. We ended up going to Panera for lunch and then went shopping. I love my Saturday's with her. We just have so much fun together and its nice to spend time with her one-on-one. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my mom!
   Later Saturday I went to see Matt. We went out to dinner which was fun! We just hung out at his place the rest of the night and watched a movie. It was relaxing and fun.
   Yesterday mom brought the dogs on campus for more "socialization" haha. Since they failed (well shroomy failed) the "meet a stranger" part of the test. She did well yesterday. She wasn't as scared of everything. But it was fun as always seeing her reactions to new things. She is such a spaz. Then the rest of the day was dedicated to sports. All Matt's teams played yesterday afternoon. At least they won so he was in a good mood...thank god! I hate when he gets pissed off at the game and then treats me like I was the one who made um lose. Yesterday was a good day though! :-)
    Last night...on the other hand...was not so great. I just always feel like I'm bugging him, making him mad, making him not like me anymore, I just really feel like he is so annoyed and sick of me. I feel like something that is totally fine one day the next day will piss him off. The only reason this would happen is because he is loosing feelings for me. I honestly feel like I'm on a different level as far as feelings go. He has always said he was further than me...but I def feel like I am way further in how I feel about him than he me. It sucks, I know how he felt for awhile...and now it just really sucks. I don't feel like ever since our first big break up back in March 2010, we have been as close. Or really him to me. I mean that January, we were looking at fricking engagement rings just because even though we knew it wouldn't happen for years down the road. But I could just sense he was so into me, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he would do anything and everything for me, he cared about my feelings, he cared if something bothered me, he tried to always hug me, tell me things would be okay, he really just honestly cared about my well-being and what was best for me. I just sensed he had a genuine interest in me and now I feel like yes he cares, yes he loves me, but to what extent? I just don't think he loves me as much as he did, and I'm scared he will never love me that much again because of everything we've been through. I feel like everything made me closer to him, made me realize how much I loved him, wanted to be with him, but for him I feel like it just pushed him away, made him put his guard up, and I just feel like he'll never let that down again. I don't feel like he trust me with his feelings, his deep inner emotions/thoughts...and that's something that bothers me. He never opens up to me anymore and I wish he would. Whenever I bring up marriage he never gets excited about it anymore like he used to, he never brings it up, he doesn't really include me in his future and it just really bothers me. Like does he REALLY want to marry me? Does he REALLY want to spend the REST of his life with me?! Will he be okay not talking to other girls and all? Sometimes I feel like he wants to be single again just to see what else is out there because I'm not good enough and he wonders what else he could have! I think he really is debating about us and if we are right for each other. I just don't sense the intense love anymore he used to have for me, I just really think he wants to see what else is out there...and if there's nothing, then I feel like he will settle for me. Maybe I'm not good enough for him...but I sure try my hardest to make him happy and hope one day he won't want other girls. I just remember before March 2010...he wouldn't even comment on other girls, his mom told me he was so in love me with..he would never say someone else was hott or put himself in any situation that would make me mad (especially when he was home). But now...I don't think he still feels that way. I wish so badly he still loved me how he did! I am trying so hard to make him happy and want me, and only me, forever and ever, and I just hope one day he will!

Home

I'm anxious about going home (as always) and I'm just so ready. Its a weird mixed feeling. I want to go home because I just need my family and dogs right now and just to be surrounded by people who I know love me and care about me. I need to just get my mind off things and unwind alittle. Playing with my dogs, drinking coffee with mom and christina in the mornings, just listening to music, talking with dad, those things always make me feel better. I need to get off HPU's campus for alittle while. I need a break of everything. I'm so sick of everything here and I need to leave before I snap. I then again, don't want to go home because the fear of food. I HATE eating dinners at my house. I hate eating in front of my parents. I feel like they ALWAYS judge me and make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I will probably just schedule things to do at night so I can leave the house. Christina will be there so we will do stuff I'm sure. I'm really excited to spend time with her. We always laugh and joke and just have such a good time together. Something I really need. I need her badly! She always brings me back down to a sane level. Right now I'm a ball of emotions that has been contained for so long I'm about to burst. I honestly feel like a balloon that has been blowing up with more air ever since probably a month ago, I feel like there can't possibly be room for more air...but then another day goes by and someone else fills it more. I'm really at the popping point today!

I am so glad today is Friday. I don't know if I could handle ANOTHER day of work tomorrow. And classes, and all that. I need a break. I'm going home tomorrow morning to help my mom take our dogs to "Dog Gone Fun" where they will try to get their "good citizin's award" which means they can go into nursing homes and other places to be therapy dogs. The one will get it, but Shroomy...the baby, there's NO chance she will get it! Haha. She is scared of everything still and extremely shy. It will be a good laugh though, that's why I'm going...and to support my mom. She really gets into this dog thing and it's become her second hobby...so I will go and be moral support for her!

My weight has dropped alittle bit this week. I have actually eaten more this week (or tried to) but idk...getting my weight back up isn't my number one priority right now. Getting through each day is my number one priority. Speaking of weight/eating/and all...it REALLY, I mean REALLY bugs me when someone who knows I have an eating disorder stares at what I'm eating. Like yesterday I was walking out from the caf with a to-go box of lettuce and cucumbers basically and someone who knew I struggled was starring soo hard at my box of lettuce...like "whats in it?" "Is she actually eating?" "I didn't think anorexics eat?" UGH, that annoys me SO fricking much it isn't even possible to put into words. Yes, anorexics eat...otherwise we'd die in like, days! Do we eat normal? No! But we do eat, and we eat safe foods to us. Am I gonna go and get a hamburger with cheese and double meat patties with chili on it and everything?! Heck no! But yes, I will eat a salad...and sometimes I'll even eat other stuff! WOW! (total sarcasm there). It really pisses me off!!!

RAGE

Something happened Saturday night (I can't say exactly what) but it is making really go crazy. I hate it, I can't stand it, I want to punch someone, I want to throw my body against a wall to wake up and hope this is a dream, I knew it would happen and yet I feel sooo stupid for allowing it to. I just KNEW one day this day would come. I have so much hate, anger, sadness, regret, hurt, shock, madness, and so many other things inside me that need to come out. Needless to say...the treadmill got a huge beating today. Ran so long and so hard...and yet I still don't feel like any of that energy is released. I'm just so mad at myself because this is just seriously the icing on the cake (which I've been building for years) and it just breaks me down and it really has destroyed me today. I can't even get out my thoughts about it because they are so jumbled up in my head but mainly my heart is hurting. I should always listen to my intuition...I'm NEVER wrong when it comes to stuff like this, never! Whenever I doubt something...there's a good darn reason why I do! I am just furious and extremely hurt! I honestly don't know how to handle this either because in times past when this stuff has happened...it never has turned out well for me.